- Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.
- Charlie Harper: [Driving in a dangerous neighborhood] Oh, my God! I think I hit a dog!
- Berta: Don't worry, it's just a rat. He's okay, he's getting up.
- Berta: [about her pregnant daughter] If she spent more time on her knees than her back, she wouldn't be in this situation.
- Charlie Harper: Not necessarily.
- Naomi: [the doorbell rings. Alan opens the front door and sees a pregnant woman standing there] Hi. Yeah, I think I have the wrong address.
- Alan Harper: Oh, you have the right address.
- [loudly]
- Alan Harper: Charlie, it's for you!
- Charlie Harper: Who is it?
- Alan Harper: Karma.
- Charlie Harper: What?
- Alan Harper: Your chickens have come home to roost.
- Charlie Harper: Karma? Chicken? Alan, what the hell are you talking about?
- [sees Naomi]
- Charlie Harper: Ewww...
- [yelling to the back room]
- Charlie Harper: Charlie, it's for you!
- Charlie Harper: Nice to see you. Again.
- Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
- Charlie Harper: Really?
- Naomi: Really.
- Charlie Harper: [furiously to Alan] Are you trying to give me a stroke?
- [shoves Alan]
- Charlie Harper: Is that what you're trying to do?
- Alan Harper: [notices Jake after confessing his fetish to Charlie] How long have you been standing there?
- Jake Harper: Long enough to get very confused. So, we have hot dogs, right?
- Jake Harper: It's your fault I have bad grades.
- Judith Harper: Why is it *my* fault?
- Jake Harper: You know.