South Park (TV Series)

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (2006)

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Car Salesman, Officer Foley, Jimbo Kern, Man in Crowd #2, Man in Crowd #3, Butters, Valet, Man in Hotel #2, Policeman #1

Quotes 

• Kyle : It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson.

  Police Sergeant : The blonde?

  Kyle : Yeah.

  Policeman #1 : Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stephenson?

  Kyle : Yes.

  Policeman #1 : Nice.

  Police Sergeant : Nice.

  Kyle : What? No, you don't understand...

  Policeman #1 : You sure they've had sex?

  Kyle : Yeah!

  Policeman #2 : Has she performed oral sex on him?

  Kyle : I think so.

  Policeman #2 : Nice.

  Policeman #1 : Nice!

  Policeman #2 : [whispers]  Nicccce.

  Police Sergeant : So, wait. What's the crime?

  Policeman #1 : The crime is she isn't doing it with me.

  [cops laugh] 

  Kyle : Hey! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him!

  Police Sergeant : You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and

  [pauses] 

  Police Sergeant : give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away.

  [cops laugh heartily] 

• Kyle : Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. *Then* ruin it by having a serious relationship.

• Butters : [in the boys' bathroom, singing]  Hey there, Mr. Weiner, what do you know? Do you need to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so!

• Eric Cartman : Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?

  Butters : Uhh... Sure.

  Eric Cartman : You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.

  Butters : Well I do...

  Eric Cartman : You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!

• [at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair] 

  Kyle : Guys, can I talk to you?

  Stan : Sure, dude.

  Kyle : I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?

  [Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"] 

  Kyle : [continues]  My little brother and his tea...

  Cartman : Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?

  Kyle : Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!

  Stan : Dude, what's the matter?

  Kyle : The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

  Stan : ...Wow.

  Kenny : [muffled]  Really?

  Cartman : Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.

  Kyle : It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.

  Cartman : What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.

  Kyle : [looks long and hard]  Stick it inside her and pee?

  Cartman : Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

• Sheila Broflovski : Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she's left town with my son. I've got a note saying they're going to Milan.

  Policeman #1 : You're kidding?

  Sheila Broflovski : No, it's true.

  Policeman #1 : Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?

  Sheila Broflovski : This is serious!

  Officer Foley : [sarcastic]  Yeah, a boy is going to Milan with a beautiful, older woman. Quick, call the FBI!

  [all policemen laugh] 

  Sheila Broflovski : ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOTHING?

  Policeman #1 : All right, all right, we'll make a report. Jesus!

• Miss Stevenson : Hold on, please. You don't understand!

  Kyle : Really? What's there not to understand?

  Miss Stevenson : Your brother and I are in love.

  Kyle : He's a little young, don't you think?

  Ike Broflovski : Oh!

  Miss Stevenson : Ike is very mature for his age and you know it.

  Ike Broflovski : Ring around the roses.

  Miss Stevenson : He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me hard or soft and...

  Kyle : Alright! We're getting the hell out of here!

  Ike Broflovski : No, no, no, no, no, no!

  Kyle : Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.

  Ike Broflovski : [starts crying] 

  Kyle : Ike!

  Miss Stevenson : Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?

  Kyle : [after a pause]  This is nuts.

• Kyle : Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex.

  Sheila Broflovski : Sex? Oh, booby, Ike is much too young.