How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Scorpion and the Toad (2006)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : Being a bachelor in New York is like... what's something that everyone likes?

  Marshall Eriksen : Candy?

  Barney Stinson : Yes. It's like being in a candy store, and all you have to do is grab a couple of Whoppers. Is Whoppers the best one?

  Ted Mosby : Mounds?

  Barney Stinson : Nah.

  Marshall Eriksen : Milk Duds?

  Barney Stinson : Nah.

  Ted Mosby : Gobstoppers?

  Barney Stinson : Um...

  Older Ted Mosby : This went on for hours, so I'll skip right to the end.

  Ted Mosby : Double Bubble?

  Barney Stinson : Nice!

• [Barney is chatting with twin sisters at McLaren's, both of which he stole from Marshall] 

  Barney Stinson : So then, I was promoted to assistant ménage-er - manager. Why do I keep doing that?

  [Lily storms in and glares at Barney] 

  Barney Stinson : Lily?

  Lily Aldrin : You gave me chlamydia, you jerk!

  [Lily throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out] 

  Barney Stinson : So, where was I? Ah yes, assistant ménage-er - I did it again. I can't believe it!

  [Lily storms in again, this time wearing a hat, and changing her voice slightly, yells:] 

  Lily's "twin" : You gave my twin sister chlamydia! You slime!

  [Lily's "twin" throws a drink in Barney's face, then storms out. The twins Barney was talking to get up and leave] 

  Barney Stinson : Wha... wait! I know magic!

• Barney Stinson : Dude, you were awesome last night. You were charming, you were funny. You were totally working that girl.

  Marshall Eriksen : You went home with her!

  Barney Stinson : Yes, I did. But she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a shot with her. So in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! All right! Hypothetical high five!

  [Stares at Marshall for a minute] 

  Barney Stinson : Nice!

• Barney Stinson : Haaaaave you met Marshall?

• Marshall Eriksen : You said being single would be like a candy store.

  Barney Stinson : I lied. Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.

• Barney Stinson : Marshall Eriksen, suit up!

• Barney Stinson : [after Marshall has Lily claim Barney gave her and her "twin sister" chlamydia, scaring off his prospects]  Well played, Eriksen. Well played.