Family Guy (TV Series)

Chick Cancer (2006)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Trooper, Man in Crowd, Chester Cheetah

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?

  Brian Griffin : Well, you would be a black man.

  Stewie Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

  Brian Griffin : Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.

  Stewie Griffin : You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

• Stewie Griffin : Uh, what's for dinner

  Olivia : [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine]  Play-Doh spaghetti.

  Stewie Griffin : [pauses]  Oh.

  Olivia : [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti]  What?

  Stewie Griffin : No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night

  [under breath] 

  Stewie Griffin : and that's all we had last night.

  Olivia : What does that mean?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.

  Olivia : Do you even know what sex is?

  Stewie Griffin : That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?

• Brian Griffin : So what happened?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?

  Brian Griffin : They do. It's called being gay.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.

• Brian Griffin : Stewie?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah?

  Brian Griffin : It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : What?

  Brian Griffin : It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : I know.

  Brian Griffin : It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : [annoyed tone]  I know.

  Brian Griffin : No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.

  Brian Griffin : It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : Screw you. Cut it out, man!

  Brian Griffin : It's not your fault.

  Stewie Griffin : [cries]  Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard.

  [cries] 

• Stewie Griffin : Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?

  Olivia : Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.

  Olivia : Stewie, you're being mean.

  Stewie Griffin : No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.

  [Olivia starts crying] 

  Stewie Griffin : So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?

  Olivia : [still sobbing]  That sounds wonderful.

• Peter Griffin : Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm going to start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, not the "fix up your house" gay guys.

• Stewie Griffin : [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper]  Hey, baby!

  Jillian : Hi, Stewie!

  Brian Griffin : What the hell are you doing?

  Stewie Griffin : Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, dear God.

  Stewie Griffin : Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.

  Jillian : So am I.

  Stewie Griffin : [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits]  I just feel like kickin' it tonight.

  [fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.

  Brian Griffin : Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?

  Stewie Griffin : You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"

  Brian Griffin : Give me my hair back

  [takes hair off Stewie] 

  Stewie Griffin : Ow! What the hell, man?

• Brian Griffin : There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey, look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

• Peter Griffin : Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

• Stewie Griffin : Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.

  Olivia : Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.

• Stewie Griffin : She said yes! My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials!

• Stewie Griffin : [to Olivia]  Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday, it's my "Bernie Mac" night. Um, i-it's a fun show if you haven't seen it. I can't understand what the devil he's saying, but you know, there's a lot of movement, and it's bright and colorful, it keeps my attention.

• Olivia : [to Stewie]  What the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a jerk.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I'm acting like a jerk? What about Phony Curtis over there?

  Olivia : He happens to be a very intelligent, successful actor. And you know, he's done three national diaper commercials.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, let's put a diaper on his face. That's where the crap is coming out.

• Olivia : [to the waiter]  Do you have Hi-C Tropical Punch?

  Stewie Griffin : And it begins...

  Olivia : What, I can't have a drink with dinner?

  Stewie Griffin : So dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?

  Olivia : Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows.

  Stewie Griffin : You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow and I do what I can to get by.

• Olivia : Do you even know what sex IS?

  Stewie Griffin : Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?