- Charlie Harper: So, when ya gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?
- Jake Harper: I'm not.
- Charlie Harper: What happened? Chicken out?
- Jake Harper: No.
- Charlie Harper: I don't believe it! You drag my ass all over the mall, I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace, and you chicken out!
- Jake Harper: [he explodes] She just dumped me, you old turd!
- Charlie Harper: [mortified] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being a turd.
- Jake Harper: I'm only 12. I need a time machine.
- Charlie Harper: Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
- Jake Harper: She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
- Charlie Harper: What, the Chinese and Caucasian?
- Jake Harper: Gifted and remedial.
- Charlie Harper: [to Jake] Are you kidding me? Who knows more about women than your Uncle Charlie?
- Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...