- [On the morning of Caesar's funeral, Mark Anthony is still lying in bed]
- Mark Antony: I don't think I ever fucked a woman in a funeral dress before.
- Atia of the Julii: Nor shall you now.
- Mark Antony: Now that's a shame. It'll have to be Merula, then
- [referring to Atia's elderly servant, who looks up startled]
- Mark Antony: . Come here, old girl. Jump on!
- [pats his crotch]
- Atia of the Julii: She'd eat you alive. Come on, this is no morning for foolery. Just get up.
- Mark Antony: [Grabs her arm and pulls her towards him] Aw, come here!
- Atia of the Julii: [Struggles free] Stop fooling around and just get up!
- Mark Antony: I am not rising from this bed until I've fucked someone!
- Atia of the Julii: Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.
- Gaius Octavian: Mother, I must stay in Rome.
- Atia of the Julii: Eh?
- Gaius Octavian: I must stay in Rome. I am Caesar's son. I must protect my legal rights.
- Mark Antony: There's blood? Quite the little Spartan.
- Titus Pullo: [Referring to Caesar's death] Sorry about your uncle.
- Gaius Octavian: I am made his son by will.
- Titus Pullo: Oh...
- [hesitates]
- Titus Pullo: Congratulations?
- Newsreader: At the fourth hour, a funeral service will be held for Gaius Julius Caesar under terms of truce and in the spirit of unity and forgiveness. Unities will be delivered by Praetor Marcus Julius Brutus and consul Mark Antony. No prostitutes, actors, or unclean tradesmen may attend.
- Gaius Octavian: You heard what Servilia said, she wants you to run away.
- Atia of the Julii: More fool her, she'll have to find me first.
- Gaius Octavian: She will find you; you have no talent for hiding.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: Mark Antony... the dog is dead I hope.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: He is not.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: Mark Antony is alive? An error! I believe, a great error...
- Marcus Junius Brutus: We are senators, not hired thugs...
- [Short pause]
- Marcus Junius Brutus: Kill him yourself.
- [Erastes runs out of the bathhouse, and sees all his men slaughtered, Pullo standing over them]
- Erastes: [laughs] Well... here we are then.
- Lucius Vorenus: Where are they? Where are my children?
- Erastes: [lifts a cup] Will you have a little wine with me? No? Well, kiss my arse.
- Titus Pullo: Tell him. If they're not harmed, you may yet live.
- Erastes: [laughs] You think so?
- Titus Pullo: Tell him.
- Erastes: [looks into his wine cup] Nothing like a good Falernian grip, is there? You're not a bad sort of man, Vorenus. You just have too much anger in you.
- Titus Pullo: [shouts] Tell him!
- Erastes: [drinks his wine, then] I took your children in payment for your many slights to me. I fucked them. Then I killed them. Then I threw them in the river.
- [He leans back, savoring his last mouthful of wine, as Vorenus cuts his head off]
- Servilia of the Junii: Tell us, Antony. To what do we owe this unexpected pleasure?
- Mark Antony: Listen. Why so quiet? A tyrant is dead. Surely the people should be happy. Where is the cheering throng at your door? Where are the joyous cries of liberty?
- Servilia of the Junii: The people fear change. A somber mood is only... natural.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: When they realize they are free from tyranny, the people will be glad.
- Mark Antony: The people LOVED Caesar. And they will hate you for what you've done.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: They loved him once. As I did.
- Mark Antony: Well, some have turned against him, no doubt. It cannot be denied, he was something of a tyrant. But a great many people will worship Caesar until they die. A great many. And those people are mine now.
- Cassius: We do not need such people. Our men-at-arms have secured the city. We have received representatives from all the best elements. The Senate is with us, the knights are with us...
- Marcus Junius Brutus: The pontiffs, the urban cohorts, the lictors' guild...
- Mark Antony: Ooh, the lictors' guild, very good. Only rally the bakers and the flute players, and you can put on a festival. Best wait 'til after the elections, though.
- Cassius: What elections?
- [Antony looks around the room in astonishment]
- Mark Antony: Surely you've thought this through? If Caesar was, as you insist, a tyrant, then all his acts and appointments are nullified. I am no longer consul, you're no longer praetor, you're no longer proconsul. Elections will have to be held.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: [uncomfortably] That is... so.
- Mark Antony: Messy things, elections.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: You spoke of helping us.
- Mark Antony: I did. All those that love Casear but "hate tyranny"... I may be able to bring to your side.
- Servilia of the Junii: Why would you do that?
- Mark Antony: Neither of us can win outright, not without much blood spilled to prove the issue. I want no more blood. I want peace and stability.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: How?
- Mark Antony: First, a general amnesty. Caesar is not declared tyrant, nor you declared killers. All Caesar's acts and his will shall stand. We shall all keep our posts. It will be as if he were struck by lightning. A natural death.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: Go on.
- Mark Antony: Then a show of unity. A public funeral for Caesar, led by you and I together. We shall mourn the man, and burn the tyrant.
- Cassius: And then?
- Mark Antony: I shall serve out the rest of my term as consul, and then retire quietly to the provinces, where I will plow my fields and fuck my slaves. Just like old Cincinnatus. And the Republic shall roll on without me.
- [Cassius looks at him skeptically; Antony laughs]
- Mark Antony: I swear, on the Black Stone, I am done with politics. You people play too rough for a simple soldier like me.
- [to Brutus]
- Mark Antony: Knives in the Senate house? Didn't think you had it in you.
- Servilia of the Junii: And if we do not wish to be reconciled with you?
- Mark Antony: Well, if we cannot be friends, then we shall be enemies. And I will do my very best to annihilate you.
- [Brutus learns that Cassius went behind his back to try to have Antony murdered]
- Marcus Junius Brutus: You tried to kill him, despite everything I said?
- Cassius: Forgive me. Your scruples do you credit but, without your knowledge, his death could not have dishonored you.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: To the contrary, I would be twice dishonored! A killer AND a fool!
- Cassius: Is your honor worth more than the Republic?
- Marcus Tullius Cicero: It is not too late. He's here, in your hands. I'm simply stating the facts. I do not urge you to any... particular course of action.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: [distastefully] Nor will I take the course you "do not urge."
- Cassius: Brother, it is the only rational thing to do.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: He's broken no capital law, and he offers a truce which will preserve the public order. We have no right to take his life.
- Cassius: Damn the law in his case! He's too dangerous to live!
- Marcus Junius Brutus: You exaggerate him. He is a vulgar beast. Without Caesar, he will, he will destroy himself soon enough.
- Cassius: He is...
- Marcus Junius Brutus: He is a guest in my house!
- Servilia of the Junii: He is not in the house. He is on the street.
- Marcus Junius Brutus: [sadly] You too, Mother?
- Cassius: You may wish as you will. We yet have all the Senate behind us, and all the men of quality.
- Mark Antony: And I have an angry mob... that will roast and eat your "men of quality" in the ashes of the Senate House!