Tim Meadows: Sam
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Quotes
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[after Dewey accidentally barges in a room filled with smoke and groupies]
Sam : [coughs] Get outta here, Dewey!
Dewey Cox : What are y'all doin' in here?
Sam : We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox : You're smoking *reefers*?
Sam : Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
Dewey Cox : [Dewey doesn't have a sense of smell] No, Sam. I can't.
Reefer Girl : Come on, Dewey! Join the party!
[takes a hit off a joint]
Sam : No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
Dewey Cox : You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
Sam : It doesn't give you a hangover!
Dewey Cox : Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
Sam : It's not habit-forming!
Dewey Cox : Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
Sam : You can't OD on it!
Dewey Cox : It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
Sam : It makes sex even better!
Dewey Cox : Sounds kind of expensive.
Sam : It's the cheapest drug there is.
Dewey Cox : [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
Sam : You don't want it!
Dewey Cox : I think I kinda want it.
Sam : Okay, but just this once. Come on in.
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[Dewey walks into a room with Sam and three women]
Sam : Sam? What you all doing in here?
Sam : [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox : What is it?
Sam : It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.
[laughs]
Dewey Cox : Well, that does sound tempting, but you know what, Sam? I really don't want no part of that shit.
Sam : Did you hear what I said? It gives you a boner!
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Sam : You're gonna have to give him a moment, son. Dewey Cox has to think about his entire life before he plays.
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Dewey Cox : [irritated] I don't need people around me, stifling me. So if you don't like it, there's the door.
Theo : Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?
Dewey Cox : Not unless you can open your minds... and learn to play the fucking theremin.
[brief pause]
Theo : FUCK YOU, DEWEY!
Dave : Yeah, fuck you Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you thrown a woman my way. You don't think we like cheating on our wives too?
Sam : And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!
Dave : You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my house!
Theo : And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!
Dewey Cox : The siamese cat is a symbol of nobility in Ancient Egypt.
Sam : Fuck nobility!
Dave : Fuck Ancient Egypt!
Theo : ...Fuck cats!
Sam : And you never paid for drugs. Not once.
Dave : [angrily] You slept with my wife!
Theo : You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!
Sam : And you never *once* paid for drugs!... Not once.
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[repeated line]
Sam : And you never once paid for drugs. Not once!
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[Dewey goes into a bathroom where Sam is with groupies]
Sam : Get out of here, Dewey!
Dewey Cox : What are y'all doing in here?
Sam : It's called cocaine, and you don't want no part of this shit!
Dewey Cox : Cocaine?
[Sam nods and smiles]
Dewey Cox : What's it do?
Sam : It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare!
