- Shawn Spencer: I think we can cut our losses and put these two behind bars, if we work together.
- Juliet O'Hara: And how do we do that?
- Shawn Spencer: First we dress up as musketeers and make a very special pact.
- Shawn Spencer: [during a fake seance] Eyes of a serpent, ears of a bat, send us a signal from...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn!
- Shawn Spencer: I hear a voooooice...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Can I see you outside, please.
- Shawn Spencer: It wants me to come outsiiiiiide...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: NOW!
- Shawn Spencer: I should gooooo...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Is that my bathrobe?
- [they move to the other room and Gus closes the blinds]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What are you doing?
- Shawn Spencer: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a seance.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You can't have a seance.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus there are no rules against having a seance. Anyone can have one. It's like a garage sale or plastic surgery.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, first of all, technically you need a permit to have a garage sale. Secondly, *you* cannot speak to the dead!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What the hell are you doing?
- Shawn Spencer: Checking baseball scores. My fantasy team is killing me.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: This is the chief's office.
- Shawn Spencer: No, she runs the league. I'm kidding. She's in a meeting. She won't mind. Plus we look really important hanging out in here. Gus, have you tried this chair? It's a pregnancy chair. We have got to get one for the office. My birthing canal never felt so alive.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're taking my name off the lease and the door and these Frisbees.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, don't be ridiculous. Look, I'm almost positive this isn't a load bearing wall. But if you're really concerned, why don't you jump up and down in the attic to make sure?
- Shawn Spencer: [after describing his plan to Gus] ... and Bingo!
- Gus: Don't say bingo, you know how much I hate it when you say that.
- Shawn Spencer: Ok, fine... Yahtzee?
- Gus: We are not doing this, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: Mah-Jong!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: This is breaking and entering!
- Shawn Spencer: [trying to pick a lock] No, no, no - only if we break something, and THEN enter something.
- Gus: This is not a good time to bluff!
- Shawn Spencer: I think it's a great time, she was going to kill us.
- Juliet O'Hara: [asking who authorized a stake-out] What about the 42.211?
- Carlton Lassiter: What about it?
- Juliet O'Hara: Well it states that...
- Carlton Lassiter: It's superseded by a 15.75.
- Juliet O'Hara: Not necessarily.
- Carlton Lassiter: If you're in the juristdiction of 23.40 it is.
- Juliet O'Hara: Maybe...
- Carlton Lassiter: Maybe?
- Shawn Spencer: [pops up in back seat] Technically, 23.40 only applies in federal cases.
- Carlton Lassiter: What are you doing here?
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, I'm not a mind-reader.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, that's just what you tell everybody.
- [pretending to feel a spirit in the records room so he can look at a case file]
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, I can feel her all right. She's over by the W's.
- Desk Sergeant: Why?
- Shawn Spencer: No. W.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [of David] He *does* have nice hair.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, that takes a lot of up keep though, man.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah.
- Shawn Spencer: You gotta worry about split ends...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Dandruff.
- Shawn Spencer: Dandruff!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's horrible.
- Shawn Spencer: It's awful.
- Shawn Spencer: [of Chief Vick's pregnancy chair] I want you to try this chair.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm not trying the chair, Shawn.
- Shawn Spencer: I'll sit on the birthing ball. I kid you not, this thing is like a refreshing waterfall cascading down your vertebrae. It might help your stomach issues.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Who told you I had stomach issues?
- Shawn Spencer: Uh, my nose. The vent in the bathroom. Air fresheners all over the place.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm trying a new medication for my lactose intollerance.
- Shawn Spencer: I believe the problem is physical. And I think it can be cured by what I am now referring to as "The Magic Springy Bounce-Up Chair."
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [after a large window shatters] Did you do that?
- Shawn Spencer: Why would I ruin our totally cool window?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: For effect! To make them think you contacted an evil spirit.
- Shawn Spencer: Gus, please! Why didn't you float that idea sooner? That's genius!
- [Gus walks in on Shawn holding a "seance"]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: [eerie voice] I hear a voice...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Can I see you outside, please?
- Shawn Spencer: [eerie voice] It wants me to come outside.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now?
- Shawn Spencer: [eerie voice] I should go.
- Gus: Somebody's here.
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, you can see through doors now? That's the new thing?
- Gus: I can smell the laundry vent.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: How much farther to this place?
- Shawn Spencer: Fifty, sixty miles.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Sixty miles? And you didn't get me a donut?
- Shawn Spencer: I did get you a donut. And then I ate it.
- Raylene Wilcroft: You have five seconds. One.
- Shawn Spencer: Really?
- Raylene Wilcroft: Two.
- Shawn Spencer: The countdown?
- Raylene Wilcroft: THREE!
- Shawn Spencer: Okay!
- Shawn Spencer: Ladies, stay here. We're going after them... or *it*.
- [wispering to Gus]
- Shawn Spencer: Let's get some tacos.