Doctor Who (TV Series)

The Pirate Planet: Part Three (1978)

Tom Baker: Doctor Who

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Quotes 

• Doctor Who : What do you want? You don't want to take over the universe, do you? No. You wouldn't know what to do with it, beyond shout at it.

• Captain : [giving a tour of his trophy room]  My trophies, Doctor. Feast your eyes on them, for they represent an achievement unparalleled in the universe.

  Doctor Who : What are they? Tombstones, eh? Memorials to all the worlds you've destroyed?

  Captain : Not memorials. These are the entire remains of the worlds themselves.

  Doctor Who : [not really listening]  You come here to gloat on the wanton destruction you've wreaked on the universe.

  Captain : [to himself]  I come in here to dream of freedom.

  Doctor Who : [realizing what he said earlier]  Did you just say, "the entire remains of the worlds themselves?"

  Captain : Yes, Doctor. Each of these small spheres is the crushed remains of a planet. Millions upon millions of tons of compressed rock held suspended here by forces beyond the limits of the imagination, forces that I have generated and harnessed.

  Doctor Who : That's impossible! That amount of matter in so small a space would undergo instant gravitational collapse and form a black hole!

  Captain : Precisely.

  Doctor Who : What? But Zanak would be dragged in to a gravitational whirlpool.

  Captain : And why doesn't it? Because the whole system is so perfectly aligned by the most exquisite exercise in gravitational geometry that every system is balanced out within itself, which is why we can stand next to billions of tons of super-compressed matter and not even be aware of it. With each new planet I acquire, the forces are realigned, but the system remains... stable.

  Doctor Who : [stunned]  Then... It's the most brilliant piece of astro-gravitational engineering I've ever seen. The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering.

  Captain : I'm gratified that you appreciate it.

  Doctor Who : [offended]  Appreciate it? *Appreciate it?* What, you commit mass destruction and murder on a scale that's almost *inconceivable,* and you ask me to appreciate it? Just because you've happen to have made a brilliantly conceived *toy* out of the mummified remains of planets!

  Captain : DEVILSTORMS, DOCTOR! IT IS NOT A TOY!

  Doctor Who : THEN WHAT'S IT FOR? What are you doing? What could possibly be worth all this?

  Captain : By the raging fury of the Sky Demon, you ask too many questions. You have seen, you have admired; be satisfied and ask no more!

• Captain : So, Doctor, you have discovered the little secret of our planet.

  Doctor Who : You won't get away with it, you know.

  Captain : Ah, what makes you so certain of that?

  Doctor Who : At the moment, nothing at all, but it does my morale no end of good just to say it.

• Doctor Who : You can't kill me while I'm helpless, you know.

  Captain : Can't I?

  Doctor Who : No, you can't, because you're a warrior and it's against the warrior's code. You should have thought of that before you tied me up.

• Doctor Who : My biorhythms must be at an all-time low.

• Captain : So, Doctor, you have survived.

  Doctor Who : Yes, I'm afraid I seem unable to break the habit.

  Captain : And your colleagues?

  Doctor Who : My colleagues...

  [makes thumbs-down gesture] 

  Captain : Excellent! And my Polyphase Avitron?

  [Produces the dead robot parrot. The Captain is devastated] 

  Doctor Who : I'm sorry about that, but it was becoming an infernal nuisance.

  Captain : [near to tears]  Destroyed? BY THE GREAT PARROT OF HADES, YOU SHALL PAY WITH THE LAST *DROP* OF YOUR BLOOD. *EVERY CORPUSCLE*, DO YOU HEAR?

• Doctor Who : A plank?

  Captain : The theory is very simple: You walk along it. At the end, you fall off. Drop one thousand feet... dead.