- Walter: How long've you been married?
- Jeff Dunham: Fifteen years.
- Walter: You'll see.
- Jeff Dunham: See what?
- Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
- Jeff Dunham: You know, you don't have to do this.
- Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
- Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] What would you do.
- Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
- [audience laughs]
- Walter: What the hell's so funny?
- Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
- Walter: Oh.
- [clears throat]
- Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!
- [audience laughs]
- Walter: Have a nice day.
- Jeff Dunham: Anything else, Walter?
- Walter: I don't know. Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?
- Audience: Yeah!
- Walter: So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out on the other side and started swinging her crutches at me! Took her out with the door.
- José Jalapeño: Do not drop me, Señor.
- Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
- José Jalapeño: I will then be José Jalapeño On The Floor.
- Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips it's not.
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
- José Jalapeño: It's okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Okay.
- José Jalapeño: I kick his ass later.
- Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamole!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
- Peanut: I'll stir you with your own stick!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
- Peanut: [makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OLÉ!
- Jeff Dunham: [softly, to Peanut about José] You were supposed to have taken him to the spa.
- Peanut: [whispering] I took him to the spa!
- José Jalapeño: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
- [Peanut stares as everyone laughs]
- Peanut: It's the same thing!
- Jeff Dunham: It's not the same thing!
- Peanut: It is too! It gets hot and then it gets steamy and then it goes "ding"!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter about his wife] Did you guys get into another argument this morning?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Walter: I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over.
- Jeff Dunham: Never heard it put quite that way before.
- Walter: Oh, it even has a sound. It goes, "Nag, nag-nag-nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, biiiitch, bitch-bitch, bitch-bitch!"
- Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
- Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Is it?
- Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.
- Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
- Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
- Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
- Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?
- Jeff Dunham: So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
- Walter: I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.
- Walter: [answering questions submitted by the audience] "What is it that I gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.
- José Jalapeño: Purple bastard.
- Peanut: Mexican condiment.
- Jeff Dunham: A condiment?
- José Jalapeño: I do not use them.
- Peanut: You don't?
- José Jalapeño: And neither did your mother.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She's getting old.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, women age like... like fine wine.
- Walter: She's aging like milk!
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Is there one other brother in the house tonight?
- [sees a black man]
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! Yo, dawg, RUN!
- [audience laughs, including black man in question]
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Start up the car! I'll see you after the show!
- Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
- Bubba J.: An open one.
- Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
- Bubba J.: I run out.
- Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
- Bubba J.: Yup.
- Jeff Dunham: You propose?
- Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
- Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
- Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"
- Jeff Dunham: How long have you been married?
- Walter: Ah, what is it now? Uh, 46 years.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life?
- Walter: Forty-*seven* years ago.
- Jeff Dunham: [Sweet Daddy Dee calls him a ho] I'm not a whore.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: What do you do for a living?
- Jeff Dunham: Make people laugh.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Make 'em feel good.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho.
- Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Why do you do what you do?
- Jeff Dunham: Why? Because I enjoy it and it's the best way I know to make money.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho!
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute, what if I said I do it ONLY because I enjoy it?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the dumb ho. Ha-HAAA!
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Let's make an analogy here.
- Jeff Dunham: An analogy?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: If we were foods, I would be a fine summer wine that would divine anytime.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What about me?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Every good wine needs a cracker.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: [about NASCAR] What kind of three-and-a-half hours is this? Look, they're making a left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! I wonder what's gonna happen next? Let's go to commercial! Come back in ten minutes, you ain't gonna miss a fucking thing!
- Jeff Dunham: The drive from the valley?
- Peanut: Was bad as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Traffic?
- Peanut: Sucked like hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Drivers?
- Peanut: Angry as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: And you?
- Peanut: Were scared as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Parking?
- Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
- Jeff Dunham: So?
- Peanut: We're in hell!
- [looks out at audience]
- Peanut: And these are our hellmates! Think about it, next time somebody tells you to go hell, you come right here!
- Jeff Dunham: Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times. You never answer my question. What gives?
- Walter: Let's skip that one.
- Peanut: You know what else pissed me off today?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Trying to use my cell phone.
- Jeff Dunham: Having some trouble?
- Peanut: Just like the stinking commercials. "Can you hear me now? How about now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Now?" You know what you *don't* hear in those commercials?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: The other end of the conversation!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: [Peanut gives a few stammers, then pantomimes the phone cutting off]
- Peanut: "What a piece of shit!"
- Peanut: It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them.
- Jeff Dunham: I know.
- Peanut: That's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye; you don't know which eye to focus on. You ever done that? You're sitting talking to them, thinking "aw, crap. Should I be looking at *that* eye or *that* eye?"
- [Peanut holds his hand to his mouth in consideration]
- Peanut: "FOCUS, YOU MORON!"
- [laughter, as Peanut does the "over the head" movement with his hand]
- Peanut: [off Jeff's look] What?
- Jeff Dunham: What if someone here has a lazy eye?
- Peanut: I'll confuse them.
- [moving around on his stand]
- Peanut: Here I am. No, I'm here. Here. Here. Here.
- [laughter, as Jeff covers his face in embarrassment]
- Jeff Dunham: I'm sorry.
- Peanut: You know what pesto is?
- Jeff Dunham: Pesto. It's the stuff that goes on salad and pizza...
- Peanut: No. Pesto.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: It's a magician with a harelip.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: [lisping] Pethto!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Da da da! Pethto!
- Jeff Dunham: What if someone here has a harelip?
- Peanut: [to audience] Thorry!
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, stop it!
- [after Peanut's story of screwing with a signer for deaf people to confuse him]
- Jeff Dunham: The sad part is, this is all completely true.
- Jeff Dunham: Peanut, where are we?
- Peanut: ...you don't know?
- Jeff Dunham: I don't think you know.
- Peanut: I forgot.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: I forgot.
- Jeff Dunham: You forgot?
- Peanut: Yeah. We go so many damn places, I *forgot*.
- [Peanut smiles at the audience; laughter]
- [Peanut can't remember where they're performing]
- Jeff Dunham: I wrote it down for you.
- Peanut: Oh, good. You wrote it down.
- [Peanut looks at the scrap of paper]
- Peanut: Ah, yes. I love coming to
- [looks at the paper again, and sounds it out phonetically]
- Peanut: Sah... na tah... ah... na.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: What the hell is that?
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: Will you please tell these people I don't abuse drugs?
- Peanut: Okaaay!
- [Peanut turns to audience]
- Peanut: [seriously] Jeff does not abuse drugs.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
- Peanut: He's an alcoholic.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: You, sir, with the blonde hair and the glasses, what is your first name?
- [audience member: "Terry."]
- Peanut: [sing-song] Terry! And what do you do for a living, Terry! ?
- [Terry: "I'm a business analyst."]
- Peanut: A... a business analyst. *Fascinating*!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: How the hell does that work? Do you go to a business and say
- Peanut: [Peanut holds his hand to mouth in thought] Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm... You... are a business.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: So, uh, Bubba J., what does the J stand for?
- Bubba J.: Uh, my last name is Junior.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh. Well, it's a good thing they didn't name you "Junior".
- Bubba J.: Yeah, that'd be dumb. Junior Junior.
- [laughs]
- Bubba J.: That's my brother's name.
- Jeff Dunham: Come on, Walter, at your age, how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?
- Walter: Febreze?
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter] What's wrong with you?
- Walter: I don't know. It's hot as hell outside. My skin's all dry and itchy. You put me in a sweater. I'm sure as hell not gonna ask you for lotion.
- José Jalapeño: My name José.
- Peanut: José what?
- José Jalapeño: José Jalapeño.
- Jeff Dunham: I see.
- José Jalapeño: On a stick.
- Peanut: And you're Mexican?
- José Jalapeño: No, señor, Mexicans are from Mexico.
- Jeff Dunham: I see.
- José Jalapeño: I am Cuban.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah.
- José Jalapeño: I'm from Florida.
- Jeff Dunham: [referring to Walter's encounter with two people in a handicap parking spot] Good thing the cops didn't see you.
- Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys?
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Walter: Cops on bicycles.
- Jeff Dunham: What's wrong with that?
- Walter: How intimidating is this? "All right, buddy, pull over." Ching-ching, ching-ching! What do they do there when they arrest somebody? "All right, in the basket."
- Jeff Dunham: What else happened?
- Peanut: It happened when we were getting out of the car today.
- Jeff Dunham: Out of the car? What happened?
- José Jalapeño: He slammed my stick in the door. And now I have a sore stick.
- Jeff Dunham: Peanut, did you apologize?
- Peanut: [snickers, then shakes head] No.
- Jeff Dunham: Why not?
- Peanut: 'Cause I couldn't. I couldn't breathe!
- Jeff Dunham: Why couldn't you breathe?
- José Jalapeño: Because he was laughing too hard.
- Peanut: [laughs silently, then gasps for breath] I mean, it was funny! He looked like a hood ornament from Taco Bell!
- Jeff Dunham: Well, you're just gonna have to apologize.
- Peanut: All right, all right, all right! José, I'm...
- [small voice]
- Peanut: I'm sorry.
- José Jalapeño: It's okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Okay.
- José Jalapeño: I hope you die.
- Jeff Dunham: Look, Sweet Daddy, who are some of your other clients?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh, I can't tell you that.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: I gotta protect their anonymity.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, give us a hint. How about some initials?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: O.J. Oh, shit!
- Sweet Daddy Dee: [from offstage, responding to Peanut and José's exchange] Ah, that's funny shit right there! That is funny shit!
- [Jeff, Peanut and José look around, confused]
- Peanut: [to Jeff] Whoa! That was really good! You gotta work on it a little, though.
- Jeff Dunham: Why?
- Peanut: 'Cause from here, it sounded like it came out of my ass.
- José Jalapeño: Now I have somewhere to put my stick.
- Jeff Dunham: What are you doing?
- Peanut: [exaggerated Japanese accent] Oh, speaking Japanese!
- Jeff Dunham: You don't know Japanese.
- Peanut: Yeah, I do; Toyota.
- [audience laughs]
- Peanut: Oh, Godzilla!
- Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
- Peanut: Oh, you're right; it'd be...
- [opens mouth and nothing comes out until after it closes]
- Peanut: Godzilla!
- Jeff Dunham: [Dunham is trying to convince Peanut what a great city Santa Ana is] There's a lot of history in this city...
- Peanut: Translated:
- [as Peanut moves an arm as if to point at imaginary words]
- Peanut: Old as SHIT!
- Walter: I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!
- Jeff Dunham: So, José, what makes you happiest in life?
- José Jalapeño: My BMW.
- Jeff Dunham: You have a BMW?
- Peanut: Yeah, a Big Mexican Woman.
- José Jalapeño: On a stick!
- Peanut: I hate the traffic reports; they're a waste of time.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Peanut: Let me do the traffic reports. I'll save everyone a lot of time and money.
- Jeff Dunham: All right.
- Peanut: "Hey Peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning. There's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?"
- [Peanut holds his hand up to his mouth]
- Peanut: "It's eight o'clock in the morning!"
- [laughter]
- Peanut: "Everyone left their house at the same damn time!"
- [laughter]
- Peanut: "Back to you! Call me back at five thirty; I'll tell you the same thing. Only guess what? They're going the other way!"
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: Where are we?
- Peanut: I DON'T KNOW!
- [laughter]
- Peanut: Help me out.
- Jeff Dunham: What?
- Peanut: Help me ou-T.
- [Jeff reacts as if he's been spit on]
- Peanut: Sorry.
- Jeff Dunham: What are you doing?
- Peanut: Talking to Jose in his native tounge.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, don't do that.
- Peanut: Why not?
- Jeff Dunham: Well, it makes me feel... left out.
- [laughter]
- Peanut: [confused] HUH?
- Jeff Dunham: Well, I don't speak Spanish.
- [laughter, as Peanut and Jose turn to stare at Jeff]
- José Jalapeño: [sings the "Twilight Zone" theme]
- Peanut: [mimicking Rod Serling] Picture if you will...
- Jeff Dunham: How're you doing, Peanut?
- Peanut: Doin' pretty good! How 'bout you?
- Jeff Dunham: I'm fine.
- Peanut: That's goodidy, that's good, that's GOOD!
- Jeff Dunham: Walter, are you happy to be here?
- Walter: [sarcastically] Overjoyed! Last week, I was lying on a beach in Maui, and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana? My god, I can die happy now.
- Jeff Dunham: Fine city.
- Walter: I don't give a damn.
- Jeff Dunham: [about NASCAR] Sweet Daddy says it's just a bunch of guys driving in a circle.
- Bubba J.: Oh, I know! That's my favorite part! They're makin' a left turn!
- [laughs]
- Bubba J.: It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered.
- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?
- Bubba J.: What the fuck is that?
- Jeff Dunham: Do you drive drunk?
- Bubba J.: No, officer! I'm practicing.
- Jeff Dunham: [about Santa Ana] They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...
- Peanut: Polish a turd, it's still a turd!