The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Wettest Stories Ever Told (2006)

Harry Shearer: Lenny, Ned Flanders, Rev. Lovejoy, Waylon Smithers, Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns

Quotes 

• Rev. Lovejoy : Lord, we thank You for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and Your hilarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

• Homer Simpson : What kind of a booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch?

  Ned Flanders : We Puritans have no place for drunkenness, or colorful clothes or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. Bec... oh, no! That was a poem!

  [flogging himself] 

  Ned Flanders : Forgive me, Lord! Then pour a little salt in the wounds.

  [doing so and grunting in pain] 

  Ned Flanders : And I'm good.

  Marge Simpson : I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish.

  Homer Simpson : Stupid Flandish. Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how about a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest?

• Principal Skinner : [as Captain Bligh of the Bounty]  Good morning, crew. Welcome to day 718 of our voyage. Today's announcements: first of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having romantic congress with a merman...

  [the crew laughs] 

  Principal Skinner : ...I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. And I can assure you there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make.

  Milhouse Van Houten : [hopeful]  My father's alive?

  Principal Skinner : No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.

  Jimbo Jones : I'm getting pretty tired of that seawad.

  Dolph : This is nothing like the recruiting brochure.

  [he holds up said brochure, with the picture of a sailor with two prostitutes under the title "British Navy - Less Scurvy, More Curvy"] 

  Dolph , Kearney , Jimbo Jones : Mmm

  Kearney : Maybe that's what happens on the last day.

• Ned Flanders : Horseplay? Roughhousing? Horsehousing?

  Moe Szyslak : And here's the knave what's responsible.

  Rev. Lovejoy : [Homer drinks beer straight from the keg]  That's all I needed to hear.

  Homer Simpson : [locked in a stock]  Oh!

  Marge Simpson : Homer, I can't believe I was thinking of letting you touch my elbow through a cloth.

  Homer Simpson : But, baby, a man has needs.

• Ned Flanders : Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the New World without you. I, uh, almost regret what we Europeans are gonna do to you.

  Chief Wiggum : What... what are you gonna do?

  Ned Flanders : Oh, give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie. Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. Who wants whipped topping?

• Moe Szyslak : Back off, newbie! We're engaged. I didn't kill her husband just so... I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband.

  Marge Simpson : We're not engaged. It's really more of an amiable concordance.

  Ned Flanders : Oh! Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such language from a woman. Oh, no! I just thought of you as a woman!

  [he flogs himself again] 

• Marge Simpson : Hurry, my little Puritans. We must flee England and its insufficiently puritanical ways. Do you have your shipboard entertainments?

  Bart Simpson : I've got my toy wood lump.

  [kicking it around like a soccer ball] 

  Bart Simpson : What jolly fun.

  Marge Simpson : Finally, we shall bid goodbye to England and its drunken, decadent sinners.

  Homer Simpson : [running up the dock]  Oh...!

  [pushing people out of the way] 

  Homer Simpson : Out of my way, you God-fearing buckleheads!

  [jumping into a barrel] 

  Homer Simpson : Hide me! Please, you got to help me. If they find me, they'll kill me.

  Lenny : [with Carl as royal guards, holding a wanted poster of Homer]  Has anyone seen this knave?

  Carl : He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the King's name is James and not Jacob.

  Lisa Simpson : Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

• Rev. Lovejoy : Oh, Lord, thank You for this generous rain and abundant lightning.

  [he gets hit by a lightning bolt] 

  Rev. Lovejoy : Obviously, kissing Your ass is getting me nowhere.

• Bart Simpson : Captain Bligh, there's a message from Admiral Nelson.

  Principal Skinner : [taking out a telescope]  Thank you, Mr. Christian.

  Nelson Muntz : [raising a row of flags]  Mm-hmm.

  Principal Skinner : [interpreting]  "Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers."

  Nelson Muntz : Ha-ha!

  Principal Skinner : Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do, there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.

• Groundskeeper Willie : I warned you there'd be mutiny.

  Principal Skinner : Just start rowing, Willie. And sing a round while you do.

  Groundskeeper Willie : Row, row, row your boat gently/Row, row, row/Merrily, merrily, merrily, bound the down/Gently down the... merrily down the... I cannot do it! I'm only one man.

  Principal Skinner : You'll sing or you'll mutiny. And you're too much of a spineless coward for that.

  [cut to him sitting on top of a turtle and Willie rowing away] 

  Principal Skinner : Swim faster or I'll have you made into soup. What are you gonna do, go underwater? I'd like to see that.

  [he yelps as the turtle submerges] 

  Principal Skinner : You call this deep?

• Milhouse Van Houten : I wish we were back in Tahiti.

  Principal Skinner : Why, yes, it was truly an unforgettable vacation. I order you to forget it.

  [the kids groan] 

  Principal Skinner : And while you're working, I want to hear a sea shanty... in a round.

  [the kids sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" unenthusiastically] 

  Principal Skinner : [firing his pistol into the air]  Rounder! I hear edges!

  [whacking various kids with his sword] 

  Principal Skinner : You're off-key! Make that song your own! You don't sound like you've ever been on a boat in your life!

  [he hears guns cocking] 

  Principal Skinner : What the...?

  Bart Simpson : Captain, this is a mutiny.

  Principal Skinner : [chuckling nervously]  Let's not be hasty there. Uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box?

  Dolph : We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

  [the shot pans over to Martin's head hanging on a door, his mouth stuffed with scraps of paper] 

• Rev. Lovejoy : Our captain's be-head-bumped. Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World.

  Bart Simpson : Oh, when we landed, I was gonna denounce my sister as a witch.

  Lisa Simpson : I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft.

  Bart Simpson : 31 + 43?

  Lisa Simpson : 74.

  Rev. Lovejoy , Bart Simpson , Moe Szyslak , Groundskeeper Willie : Witch, witch, witch!

  Homer Simpson : People, this is madness! We can burn the witch later. Right now, I've got to save this ship.

  [unsure groans] 

  Homer Simpson : Hey, I've been driving drunk since I was 12. But first, who's gonna help me pee?

  Waylon Smithers : [everyone takes a step back]  They're looking at me 'cause I have the keys to the stocks.

• Groundskeeper Willie : I warn you, Captain: push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny.

  Principal Skinner : Mutiny? On the Bounty?

  [chuckling] 

  Principal Skinner : What have you been smoking?

  Groundskeeper Willie : Opium.

  Principal Skinner : Besides that?