- Bender: And so I ask you this one question. Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?
- Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer! I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!
- Fry: Yay, Bender!
- Turanga Leela: We demand Bender!
- Calculon: However, you've got the job.
- Bender: I read the script, and I think it would help my character's motivation if he was on fire.
- Director: Don't worry about the script. We rewrote the part to better suit your acting abilities.
- Bender: Ah, so now my character has a British accent?
- Director: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
- Hermes Conrad: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.
- Cubert J. Farnsworth: Hey, dad. Bite my shiny, metal ass!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us.
- Turanga Leela: Children don't turn rotten just because of what they see on TV.
- Fry: Yeah, give some credit to our public schools.
- Turanga Leela: Do you have to imitate everything you see on TV?
- Cubert J. Farnsworth: Uh, we're twelve, so yes.
- TV Announcer: We now return to everyone's favorite show, already in progress. Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
- [TV shows Hypnotoad staring]
- Fry: This show has been going downhill since season 3.
- Bender: Viewers of the world, do smoking and drinking on TV really make me cool? Of course they do.
- [He blows some cigar smoke]
- Bender: How 'bout committing crimes and violence? Again, the answer is "yes". But do we really want our kids exposed to that kind of trash on TV? I say absolutely not!
- [He accidentally fires Farnsworth's laser and a laser bolt flies over Farnsworth's head, narrowly missing him. Bender clears his throat]
- Bender: Uh... on the other hand, most, perhaps all the blame, rests with the parents. That's right, you!
- [He points his firearms at the FART mob and they gasp and duck]
- Bender: And so I ask you this one question: Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?
- Calculon: [scene from All My Circuits] Oh, Monique! Why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne?
- [fishes some out of the tub and drinks it]
- Antonio Calculon, Jr.: [parachutes through the window and lands in front of them] Father! I have discovered the shocking secret mother has kept from you for 200 years.
- Monique: No. *No!*
- Antonio Calculon, Jr.: Brace yourself for when I speak these words you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia!
- Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.
- Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.
- Calculon: As captain and head doctor of this ship hospital, I now pronounce you man and wife with six months to live.
- Fry: Look, there's that child actor who grew up and robbed a convenience store.
- Turanga Leela: And there's that child actor who grew up and became a convenience store.
- Cubert J. Farnsworth: This is the greatest show ever! When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia.
- Dwight Conrad: Nu-huh, cause I already have amnesia, only I forgot about it.
- Cubert J. Farnsworth: Well, mine's louder.
- Hermes Conrad: There's enough cool stuff here to furnish a happening pad. Where did it all come from?
- Tinny Tim: Don't tell, comrades. All for one and one for all.
- Dwight Conrad: We stole it!
- Tinny Tim: Oh, crumb.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty! We still have the option of resorting to violence.
- Hermes Conrad: What makes you think that'll work?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool is that?
- Dr. Zoidberg: [arrives at Cubert's birthday party dressed as a tramp] Hey, boys and girls. It's Zoidberg, the loveable tramp.
- Turanga Leela: Since when do you perform children parties?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Performing? What? Can anyone spare some money to buy a pair of shoes?
- Turanga Leela: Bender, your swarthy Latin charm will only get you so far. There are a lot of professional child robots here.
- Fry: Look, there's Macaulay Culkin.
- Turanga Leela: He's just not cute since he had puberty installed.
- Network President: Greetings. You all know my execubots. Executive Alpha, who is programmed to only like what he has seen before...
- Executive Alpha: Hey, *hey*, hey!
- Network President: Executive Beta, who is programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule...
- Executive Beta: [throws dice] More reality programming.
- Network President: ...and Executive Gamma, who is programmed to underestimate Middle America.
- Executive Gamma: It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors?
- Casting Director: Have you ever been on TV before?
- Bender: Once, when I took those hostages.
- Calculon: I saw that. You were good.
- Bender: Bandidos, eh? This is perfect, because I happen to have a flawless Spanish accent. "I will see Adeeos, Padre. Come, Jesoos, my faithful chee-hua-hua. Tonight we eat some gee-oo-ack-a-mole by del ree-o."