The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer the Smithers (1996)

Harry Shearer: Waylon Smithers, Montgomery Burns, Lenny, Dr. Hibbert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

  Homer Simpson : [Phone Rings]  Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?

  Mr. Burns : Is it about my cube?

• Montgomery Burns : Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

  Homer : [taking notes]  Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things?

  [Burns looks at him meanly] 

• Smithers : I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent".

  Computer : 714 matches found.

  Smithers : 714 names? Huh, better be more specific. "lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly"...

  [typing] 

  Computer : 714 matches found.

  Smithers : Ah, nuts to this! I'll just go and get Homer Simpson.

• Smithers : Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.

  Homer : Heh, heh, heh! Taft, you old dog!

• Montgomery Burns : Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

• Mr. Burns : I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.

  Homer : But I think the dodo went extinct...

  Mr. Burns : Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

• Montgomery Burns : Really, Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?

  Smithers : Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.

  Montgomery Burns : Simpson, eh?

• Smithers : Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.

• Homer : Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old!

  Smithers : She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

• Homer : [High pitched]  Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.

  Smithers : [Whispering]  No.

  Mr. Burns : Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!

  Smithers : [Whispering]  Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!

  Homer : [Raspy]  Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.

  Mr. Burns : [Appears beside Homer]  So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!

• Moe Szyslak : [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern]  Moe's Tavern.

  Montgomery Burns : Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?

  Moe Szyslak : [Thinking it is a crank call]  Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

• Mr. Burns : Oh, hello, Mater. Ah, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all, eh, who could have known you'd pull through and... live for another five decades.

• Montgomery Burns : Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.

  Smithers : No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!

  Montgomery Burns : That's a risk I'm willing to take!

• Montgomery Burns : [Smithers is tending to a bedridden Mr Burns after being knocked out of his office window]  I don't need you to do any of this. I'm totally self-reliant now. What I would like though is a Spanish peanut.

  [Smithers is about to feed him one] 

  Montgomery Burns : Skin.

  [Smithers skins it and Mr Burns munches on it enjoyably] 

  Montgomery Burns : It's a remarkable thing. In the short time you were gone I learned to be completely self-reli...

  [Mr Burns stops before he can finish the sentence so Smithers can pop another peanut in his mouth] 

  Montgomery Burns : ... ant.

• Smithers : It's for you!

  [smashing a phone receiver into Homer's face repeatedly] 

• Homer : [Through the window as Smithers loads his cases into a minibus]  Mr Smithers! I don't understand 2,700 of my new duties.

  Smithers : Well, the van's leaving. Which *one* duty is giving you the most trouble?

  [Homer thinks for a moment] 

  Homer : What do I do in case of fire?

  [the minibus door slides shut] 

  Smithers : Sorry, can't hear you.

  [the minibus drives off. Homer turns and sees that Burns's office is on fire] 

  Homer : Just my luck.