- Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
- Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
- Grampa: Flu?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Protein deficiency?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
- Homer: No.
- Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
- Homer: N - yes! But please, don't *you* say that word!
- Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
- Grampa: [throwing a bottle of tonic to Homer] Here you go, ya ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!
- Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
- Homer: Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of *his* life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.
- Marge: You didn't wanna have Bart.
- Homer: [annoyed] I know, but you're never supposed to *tell* the child.
- Marge: You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.
- Homer: [protesting] But when I do it, it's *cute*!
- Homer: Sir! Ah, hello, sir. Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So - OW!
- [after getting punched in the face]
- Announcer: We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure.
- Uncle Doobie: [a multicolored VW bug is chased by police] Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?
- Troy McClure: [as Slim] There's more than one way to get high, baby.
- [he floors it]
- Homer: [Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey] Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV?
- Marge: Is there something wrong, Homey?
- Homer: No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye - er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.
- Homer: [Homer tries to give his children a heartfelt talk while Bart is eating a chocolate bar] Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey - put it away, boy! - situation.
- [Grampa mixes various fragrances to create the aphrodisiac]
- Grampa Simpson: Legend has it, my great-grand-pappy stumbled upon this recipe when he was trying to invent a cheap substitute for holy water.