That '70s Show (TV Series)

Baby Fever (2000)

Danny Masterson: Steven Hyde

Quotes 

• [Kelso finds out Jackie smashed his van] 

  Michael Kelso : How did this happen, Jackie? How?

  Jackie Burkhart : Michael, like I said...

  Michael Kelso : *How*?

  Jackie Burkhart : Coming out of the drive...

  Michael Kelso : [yells]  HOW?

  Steven Hyde : Kelso! Come on, man, relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.

  Fez : Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works.

  [Fez tries to open the remaining back door and it falls off] 

  Eric Forman : Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?

  Jackie Burkhart : Other door?

  Eric Forman : Yeah, you know. The thing that always got in the way of... this giant, gaping hole.

• [Kelso is sitting on the couch, wearing only his undershorts, shivering cold. Hyde is still calculating what Jackie and Kelso owe each other. Fez is playing with a yo-yo] 

  Michael Kelso : I'm cold.

  Fez : That must be why your nipples are so pointy.

  [Kelso slaps Fez's arm] 

  Fez : Oh, "Pointy Nipple Man" is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.

  Steven Hyde : All right, that was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations: for repairs to the van, Jackie, you owe Kelso $65.

  Michael Kelso : [triumphantly]  Aha! Justice!

  Steven Hyde : Yeah. And, Kelso, you owe Jackie $8,265.

  [Kelso is shocked to hear that] 

  Jackie Burkhart : [triumphantly]  Aha! Pay up, moocher!

  Michael Kelso : Wha-wha... no! No! This is... That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.

  Steven Hyde : You could have been a man and forgiven her. But, no, you wanted to do the math.

  Michael Kelso : Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van!

  Jackie Burkhart : Michael, *you* had other girls in your van while we were dating! So, give me my $8,000!

  Michael Kelso : Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.

  [Jackie glares at Kelso] 

• Michael Kelso : You owe me money.

  Jackie Burkhart : Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.

  Michael Kelso : Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, the 8-track, strobe light, black light, red light.

  Jackie Burkhart : I hate you!

  Michael Kelso : Well, I hate you more!

  Jackie Burkhart : I hate you *most*!

  Michael Kelso : Well, I hate you the... Damn it!

  Steven Hyde : All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is - a divorce.

  Fez : Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.

  Steven Hyde : All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.

  Jackie Burkhart : Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.

  Michael Kelso : I'm not afraid, either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.

  Steven Hyde : For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.

  Michael Kelso : Right!

  Steven Hyde : [takes a notepad and starts writing]  All right. All right. Jackie, in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?

  Jackie Burkhart : Everything! He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt, so, hand it over. And the shirt, too.

  Michael Kelso : Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway.

  [Kelso takes off his shirt and gives it to Jackie] 

  Fez : [takes the notepad from Hyde]  Here, let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso. Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?

  Michael Kelso : Well... uh... w... One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky.

  [angrily, Jackie slaps Kelso on his bare chest] 

  Michael Kelso : And... and... Hyde, help me out here.

  Steven Hyde : Okay. Let me think. Oh! Don't forget he burned your house.

  Michael Kelso : Hyde!

  Steven Hyde : Dude, you burned her house.