The Simpsons (TV Series)

Burns' Heir (1994)

Harry Shearer: Mr. Burns, Smithers, Principal Skinner, Judge Snyder, Scratchy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Milhouse : [auditioning to become Burns's heir]  I have nothing to offer you but my love.

  Mr. Burns : I specifically said, no geeks!

  Milhouse : But my mom says I'm cool!

  Nelson : Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

  Mr. Burns : Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

  Martin Prince : [singing]  Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...

  [Nelson cold-cocks him] 

  Mr. Burns : Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

• [Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him] 

  Actor Homer : [stilted]  I do not miss Bart at all.

  Actress Marge : I am glad he's gone.

  Actor Lisa : As am I.

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich]  B'oh!

  Bart : It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.

  Mr. Burns : Really? Excuse me for just a moment.

  [Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] 

  Mr. Burns : [clapping for attention]  People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...

  [checks script] 

  Mr. Burns : "D'oh!"

  ["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] 

  Michael Caine : Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?

  Actress : And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".

  ["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf] 

  Estonian Dwarf : Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?

  Mr. Burns : Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

  [the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room] 

  Mr. Burns : [to Bart]  Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.

  [turns the monitor back on to show the "family"] 

  Actor Homer : [drops sandwich again]  Duh-oh!

  Bart : [sadly]  Hmm. That's them, alright.

• Deprogrammer : Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.

  Marge Simpson : Are you sure you can get him back for us?

  Deprogrammer : Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.

  Marge Simpson : What about Peter Fonda?

  Deprogrammer : Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.

  Homer : You idiot! He was the most talented one.

• [During his cinematic ad, someone offscreen whispers to Burns] 

  Mr. Burns : Oh, for God's... very well.

  [singing and dancing] 

  Mr. Burns : Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves some snacks!

• Mr. Burns : All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.

  Lenny : Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...

  Mr. Burns : You're fired.

  Lenny : But I didn't say...

  Mr. Burns : You will.

  [pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor] 

  Lenny : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

• [a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up] 

  Mr. Burns : Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

  Waylon Smithers : I think it is a rock, sir.

  Mr. Burns : We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

• [Mr. Burns runs an ad before a movie screening] 

  Mr. Burns : Hello, I'm Montgomery Burns, and I'm searching for a suitable young heir to leave my fortune to. My vast, vast, vast, *vast* fortune.

  [pause] 

  Mr. Burns : Vast.

  [the audience murmurs excitedly] 

• [the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart] 

  Judge Snyder : [bangs gavel]  The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!

  Lionel Hutz : [hammers a nail]  Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.

  Marge Simpson : [to Homer]  You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.

• Mr. Burns : [after Bart knocks Smithers unconscious with a rock]  I like him a lot.

• Bart Simpson : Um... I think I'd like to go home.

  Mr. Burns : If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.

  Bart Simpson : Okay... I want pizza. And I want it served by Krusty the Clown!

  [Time passes. Krusty bursts into the room in a sweatband and shorts holding Bart's pizza] 

  Krusty : Hey-hey! It's Krusty the Pizza Man!

  [does his laugh as he hands the pizza to Bart; he then turns to Burns] 

  Krusty : All right, where's my 400 bucks?

  Bart Simpson : Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?

  Krusty : Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.

  [cuts to an episode of "Krusty the Clown" with Krusty juggling to happy clown music. He is then handed a piece of paper from an off-screen crew member] 

  Krusty : [addressing the audience]  Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!

  [pulls down a map of the Falklands] 

  Krusty : The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.

  [At Burns' mansion, Krusty groans]