The Simpsons (TV Series)
Burns' Heir (1994)
Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Actress as Marge
Photos
Quotes
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[Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him]
Actor Homer : [stilted] I do not miss Bart at all.
Actress Marge : I am glad he's gone.
Actor Lisa : As am I.
Actor Homer : [drops sandwich] B'oh!
Bart : It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns : Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
[Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place]
Mr. Burns : [clapping for attention] People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...
[checks script]
Mr. Burns : "D'oh!"
["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine]
Michael Caine : Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?
Actress : And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".
["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf]
Estonian Dwarf : Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?
Mr. Burns : Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.
[the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room]
Mr. Burns : [to Bart] Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.
[turns the monitor back on to show the "family"]
Actor Homer : [drops sandwich again] Duh-oh!
Bart : [sadly] Hmm. That's them, alright.
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Deprogrammer : Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Marge Simpson : Are you sure you can get him back for us?
Deprogrammer : Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
Marge Simpson : What about Peter Fonda?
Deprogrammer : Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer : You idiot! He was the most talented one.
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Lisa Simpson : Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!
Marge Simpson : Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
Bart : Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers.
[Throws another pea at Lisa]
Lisa Simpson : Ow! That was a big one!
Marge Simpson : Homer, say something.
Homer : Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
Bart : [Groans] Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs.
[Gives it to Santa's Little Helper]
Homer : [Gasps] That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing... but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
Bart : No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
Homer : Bart, you listen!
Bart : Oh, go eat some flowers!
[Throws a bunch of flower at Homer]
Homer : [Screams] My secret shame.
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[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]
Judge Snyder : [bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!
Lionel Hutz : [hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
Marge Simpson : [to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.
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[Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd]
Lee Majors : Hello Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me?
Marge Simpson : Uh... sure.
[Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."]
Marge Simpson : [opens her eyes] I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more.
[She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again]