- Tom Servo: Fact: in this movie alone, there were more groin shots of the human male body than in all previously viewed movies... combined!
- Queen Lara: What have you done to the prisoner?
- Tom Servo: [as Xenos] We cancelled it. It was too obscure.
- Queen Lara: Get out of here. You disgusting worm.
- Xenos: Your... Royal... Highness.
- Mike Nelson: [as Xenos/Jack Palance] Now... if... you'll... excuse... me... I'm going to go... tear... my agent... a new...
- Mike Nelson: Now, you see, you really undermine your authority when you put "Bud" right in the middle of your name.
- Watney Smith: Hi darling. You, uh, doing anything later?
- Crow T. Robot: [as the girl Watney's hitting on] Yeah, blowing you off.
- Elder: You've come to a land called Gor. Gor is a harsh world and she breeds harsh people.
- Tom Servo: But the rents are reasonable.
- Watney Smith: What's hell's the matter with the car, Cabot? Keep it on the road.
- Crow T. Robot: It's just the stage hands rocking it.
- Mike Nelson: [regarding Cabot's fight the gladiators] That's not him. Good thing they brought his stunt double in.
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah, but he fights good. Too bad he wasn't the hero.
- Tom Servo: [referring to Lara's seduction of Watney] Oh, Jeez. She's trying to sleep her way to the bottom.