Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : Right I shall go Mabel, but I think I ought to warn you: that if your nephew reads anymore art magazines he may well go blind.
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Richie : Oh, sod off! Go on, sod off! Get to soddery! It's all your fault!
Eddie : Sod off, yourself, ya great fat git! It's me that just lost ten-thousand quid!
Richie : Well, half of it was mine!
Eddie : It bloody well was not! You think I'm gonna lie on the sun-drenched Caribbean and have busfuls of dusky young maidens fulfilling every sordid whim and have a great, fat, blotchy white walrus lying next to me? Rambling on and on about himself and spoiling the atmos? No, I'm bloody not!
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Richie : Right, that's it, get out of my house.
Eddie : I beg your pardon?
Richie : You heard.
Eddie : No I didn't.
Richie : Well, I'm not saying something like that twice, young man!
Eddie : Can't do anything about then, can I?
Richie : Look, this is my house, so get out.
Eddie : You can't just throw me out like that, I've got rights, I pay rent!
Richie : Uh-uh, you're supposed to pay rent, I've never actually seen any money.
Eddie : Well, I've been busy, haven't I? How much is it?
Richie : Eleven-thousand, six-hundred and forty-five pounds, sixty-six new pence.
Eddie : I've only got 30p.
Richie : You'd better get out off my house then.
Eddie : It's not your house, it's your aunt's house.
Richie : For the purposes of this conversation, I *am* my aunt.
Eddie : Hello Mabel.
Richie : What is she here? Shit! Hide the fags. Hello auntie.
[Realizes his mistake]
Richie : Right, that's it, get out!
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Richie : [Eddie is showing off his copy of Parade] It doesn't matter how much you art it up, Eddie, it's still a jazz mag.
Eddie : That's what they said to Michelangelo about the Sistine Chapel.
Richie : No it's not! The Sistine Chapel is art! If they said anything, it would've been "Blimey, nice painting, Mr Angelo! Now that's what I call art, and it's not porny at all."
Eddie : It bloody well is dirty, you know those three birds on the left with the bit of blue ribbon? Cor, some of things they're doing will make your nose bleed!
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Eddie : Everyday, yakedy-bloody-yak, on and on and on, day in, day out! Slime in this ear, slime in that ear! JUST STOP TALKING!
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Richie : Oh, hello Eddie.
Eddie : Oh, bugger off!
Richie : Hard day at the office?
Eddie : Yes. I spent an hour with Mrs Longbottom. I spent another hour and a half with that *bitch* Mrs Pugh. Then I spent six hours looking for the supervisor's office, and when I got there, he cut off my dole.
Richie : What?
Eddie : He said I got too many savings.
Richie : How much have you got?
Eddie : £11.80. Said that would keep me going for at least two months.
Richie : You really are pathetic. I mean you haven't held down a steady job since 1978. And you only held that down for ten minutes. Bunny Girl! I told you to keep your trousers on. God, it was like watching a bullfight.
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Richie : Which one's ours, old chum?
Eddie : Miss China.
Richie : Miss China, where are you, me lovely?
Eddie : There she is! There she is!
Richie : [Horrified] Eddie, you haven't put our money on that old boiler, have you?
Eddie : Go on me beauty, mind the steps.
[Clattering on screen]
Eddie : That's a bit of a nasty tumble.
Richie : Eddie, she can't even walk!
Eddie : Hang on she's lost a couple of teeth. Spit 'em out, dear, they'll never notice!
Richie : Stop smiling, you stupid cow! God, look at her mouth, there should be a lollipop man standing on it stopping the traffic. Eddie, what on Earth possessed you to put all our money on the thing from the swamp?
Eddie : I got odds of a 100 - 1. If she comes in ahead of the pack, we stand to make £10'000. God, just imagine, the sun-drenched Caribbean, the waves lap at your feet. A scantily-clad maiden brings you your seventeenth large Tequila Sunrise, and a slap-grill for two!
Richie : The way Quasimodo's going we'd be lucky to get a wet weekend in Reigate! She's got a tattoo on her face!
Eddie : No that's just a bit of blood!
Richie : Oh Eddie, why couldn't you have put our money on someone decent like Miss America?
Eddie : Pointless Richie, the odds were 5 - 1 on. We'd have only made two quid!
Richie : Two quid in hand's better than a tenner down the lav!
