- Joey Gladstone: How does the theme song for 'Batman' go?
- Jesse Katsopolis: You mean, "Batman... da da da da BATMAN"?
- Joey Gladstone: Yeah, that's it.
- Jesse Katsopolis: So, which words couldn't you remember? Uh, "Batman" or "Da"?
- [Michelle's pet donkey ate Stephanie's geography project]
- Danny Tanner: Just take it easy, sweetheart. I'll write you a note.
- Stephanie Tanner: What are you gonna say? The donkey ate my homework? I used that one last week.
- Danny Tanner: [blaming Jesse for Michelle purchasing Shorty] Jess, this is all your fault. "Hey, got to go out and live a little."
- Jesse Katsopolis: A: I don't talk like that. 2: I thought she was going to the candy store. Now, unless that donkey has a creamy chocolate center, you can't blame me for this.
- D.J. Tanner: [the family is unable to sleep because of Shorty's hee-hawing throughout the night] Oh, come on, Uncle Jesse. I have to get some sleep. Would you just try to sing to him, please?
- Jesse Katsopolis: You guys are crazy. I think you guys all have been inhaling a little close to the donkey around here.
- Danny Tanner: [outraged that Shorty's head is in its place of General Cornwall's portrait] Great-Granddaddy Cornwall!
- Jesse Katsopolis: You know, I'm finally starting to see the family resemblance.
- [Danny takes Shorty's head from the portrait]
- Michelle Tanner: Shorty, how could you?
- Danny Tanner: That's it! He's out of here!
- [starts towards the front door]
- Joey Gladstone: Danny, where are you going?
- Danny Tanner: [yelling outside] Anybody wanna buy a donkey?
- Jesse Katsopolis: Danny, nobody wants to buy a donkey.
- Michelle Tanner: I did.
- Danny Tanner: [yelling outside] All right, anybody want a FREE donkey?
- Female Neighbor: [from outside] Shut up, Tanner! I'd rather hear the donkey!
- Becky Katsopolis: [drags Danny inside] Danny, come in here. The neighbors are armed and cranky.
- Michelle Tanner: [Michelle and Steph are looking out their bedroom window watching Shorty disturbing the neighborhood] Do you think the neighbors can hear him?
- Female Neighbor: [from outside, angrily] Whatever that is, I'm gonna shoot it!
- [Michelle now has a fearful expression]
- Stephanie Tanner: I'm guessing they can.
- Danny Tanner: [to the neighbor as he is bringing Shorty in from the backyard] I'm sorry, okay? I'm bringing him in! Go back to bed! Put your guns on safety!
- Danny Tanner: [about Michelle buying Shorty the donkey] Kimmy, how could you let this happen?
- Kimmy Gibbler: Hey, I told her to go for the two ostriches.
- Danny Tanner: [about Shorty] Michelle, look, I'm sorry you got ripped off, but he cannot stay here in this house. He sheds, he stinks, he's dirty.
- Stephanie Tanner: You let Kimmy in here.
- Kimmy Gibbler: I don't shed.
- Danny Tanner: [about Shorty] How's anybody gonna sleep with this thing in the house? I'd take him back outside, but apparently it's donkey season.
- Danny Tanner: Guys, you are gonna love this. This is a piece of history, real Americana. I was going through some old family photos, right? And I found the picture of my great-great-grandfather, General Cornwall Tanner, okay? I had it blown up and completely restored. Look at this.
- [shows the portrait]
- Jesse Katsopolis: You should have just had it blown up.
- [Jesse and Joey laugh over the joke]
- Danny Tanner: Just so happens he was a great Civil War hero and this should be put in a place of honor.
- Joey Gladstone: How about under the mantle?
- Danny Tanner: The fireplace is under the mantle.
- Joey Gladstone: I'll get the matches.
- [Jesse and Joey laugh again]
- Kimmy Gibbler: [Danny is deciding where to put a picture of his great-grandfather, which looks like Bob Saget] Hey, Mr. T.
- Danny Tanner: Hey.
- Kimmy Gibbler: [looks at the picture] Did you get a picture of the front end of the horse, too?
- Danny Tanner: This happens to be one of my relatives. If you'd like to see one of your relatives, why don't you go rent "Gorillas in the Mist"?