The Simpsons (TV Series)

I Love Lisa (1993)

Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Heart Delivery Man, Chief Wiggum, Lou, Krusty the Clown 20th Anniversary Show Announcer

Quotes 

• [Chief Wiggum pulls over Homer] 

  Homer : Something wrong, Officer?

  Chief Wiggum : Yep, got a taillight out.

  Homer : Where?

  Chief Wiggum : [strikes Homer's taillight with his baton]  Right there.

  Homer : You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.

  Chief Wiggum : [nervously]  They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?

• Homer : Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!

  Apu : Perhaps this might be appropriate?

  [Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box] 

  Homer : Yes! You saved my life. How much?

  Apu : One hundred dollars.

  Homer : *What*? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!

  Apu : Oh, I think you will.

  Homer : Forget it, pal!

  [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully] 

  Homer : All right!

  [slaps the money on the counter] 

  Homer : But I'll never shop here again!

  Apu : [thinking]  If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.

  Apu : [aloud]  Nickel off on expired baby food.

  Homer : Sold!

• Chief Wiggum : She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police. Now where did I put my badge?... Hey, that duck's got it.

• Miss Hoover : Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.

  [Lisa giggles] 

  Miss Hoover : George Washington will be played by... em, Ralph Wiggum.

  Rex : What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school!

  Miss Hoover : Sit down, Rex.

  Rex : I will not sit down! Someone's gone to you, you deceitful cow!

  Miss Hoover : That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.

  [She opens and closes the blinds repeatedly. Outside:] 

  Chief Wiggum : That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.

• [Chief Wiggum is telling Lisa how he got tickets to Krusty the Clown's 29th Anniversary Special by bribing him in a porno theater] 

  Lisa : That story isn't suitable for children

  Chief Wiggum : Really? I keep my pants on in this version.