The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer Goes to College (1993)
Hank Azaria: Inspector #2, Bernie, Man in Commercial, Dean Bitterman, Corey Masterson, Nerdlinger, Student #1, Dean Peterson, Construction Worker, Nuclear Response #1, Benjamin, Snake
Quotes
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[prank calling Dean Peterson]
Homer : Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead.
Dean Peterson : Homer, is that you?
[looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street]
Homer : [looks up, sees the Dean] AAH!
[runs away]
-
Homer : Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
Benjamin : Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake : Uhh, wallet inspector.
Carl : Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Snake : Oh, I can't believe that worked!
[runs away]
Homer : Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector...
-
Inspector #2 : You're in big trouble, Burns! Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Mr. Burns : Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... *dropping* the charges.
[He pushes a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens behind the inspectors, who stare at it curiously]
Mr. Burns : Oh?
Smithers : The painters moved your desk, sir.
Mr. Burns : Ah, yes.
-
Inspector #2 : [on Homer's performance in a test exercise] I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
Mr. Burns : Oh, very well. It's time for your bribe.
[a curtain pulls back, revealing a washing machine and dryer which Smithers gestures to]
Mr. Burns : Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...
[pulls out a cardboard box covered with stylized question marks sketched onto it]
Mr. Burns : Or, you can trade it all in for... what's in this box.
Inspector #2 : The box, the box!
Inspector #1 : Look, Burns. This is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away!
[Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a large fur coat that still has a $5,000 price tag attached to it]
Mayor Quimby : Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation, now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.
-
[Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
Inspector #2 : Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
Homer : Hm?
Inspector #2 : Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
Homer : What the hell are you talking about?
[the inspectors slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
Homer : [breaking down] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
Inspector #2 : Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
Homer : [to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
[he shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, causing the van to shake violently and have a meltdown]
Inspector #2 : No, no! This... can't be happening!
-
Homer : Dean, I'm really sorry about the running-you-over prank.
Dean Peterson : Prank?
Homer : And all those other pranks were my idea, too. *I'm* the one who should be expelled.
Dean Peterson : Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And, who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.
Homer : Yes you have.
-
[as the nerds move into the Simpson home]
Marge Simpson : Mmm...
Homer : Marge, they don't anywhere else to stay. And they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
Benjamin : Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.
Marge Simpson : Oh, for the love of...!
-
Bart Simpson : [Bart and Lisa holds hands before the TV, as they're about to watch Scratchy getting Itchy for the first time ever] My purpose in life is to witness this moment
Benjamin : [Benjamin unplugs the TV as Lisa and Bart start screaming in despair] I need the outline for the rock tumbler
Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : Plug it in! Plug it in!
Benjamin : What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : The TV! The TV!
[Benjamin plugs the TV again and Itchy and Stratchy is already over]
Krusty the Clown : Woah! They'll never let us show that again! Not in a million years!
[Bart and Lisa scream]
-
[Homer has made up the bedroom to look like a stereotypical college bedroom, including making a bookcase with six cinder blocks]
Marge Simpson : Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.
Homer Simpson : Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us. I swiped the cinder blocks from a construction site.
[meanwhile, at a construction site with a sign reading "FUTURE SITE OF CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL", a worker sadly approaches the construction manager]
Construction Worker : Sir, six cinder blocks are missin'.
Construction Manager : [mournfully rolls up the blueprints] There'll be no hospital then; I'll tell the children.
