Photos
Quotes
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Eddie : Still, at least we got the duck.
Richie : The duck?
Eddie : Yeah. It's made out of plastic!
Richie : Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery, is the use of a plastic duck?
Eddie : It floats in the bath.
[Wobbles with the duck]
Eddie : Hello?
Richie : [Deep sigh] But why?
Eddie : It's hollow.
Richie : [Starting to loose patience] Why the duck?
Eddie : It came free with the telly.
Richie : [Almost going mad] Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why not get a free telly with the telly?
Eddie : Well, it'd sink in the bath!
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[Eddie and Richie are watching burning buildings from their window]
Eddie : You know, that's what I love about this country, Richie. Tradition.
Richie : Yeah, yeah.
Eddie : I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us.
Richie : I know, I know. It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it, aren't we? I mean, look at that! Half of London is alight! That's British craftmanship, that is!
[There is music playing from the streets]
Eddie : Aw, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float.
Richie : [Adored] Aha.
Eddie : [Adored] They make a little van and everything!
Richie : Aha! Oh, look, look, they're ram-rading the off-licence!
[Sound of braking glass]
Richie : Aw! Bless 'em. they're too young to know, aren't they?
Eddie : What?
Richie : Well, that you've done it already.
Eddie : Yep! Well, you have to get up early in the morning to beat uncle Eddie
[looks at a stack of boxes filled with Malibu]
Eddie : .
Richie : Well, it's as I always say, Eddie. The carnival is a marvellous business opportunity.
Eddie : Would you like me to toast your marshmellows?
[Richie looks at him in disgust]
Eddie : [Eddie holds up two marshmellows]
Richie : Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, marvellous, Eddie, get on with it, yes, yes, yes. Right, now, I think we should just wait for the window of Curry's to blow, and then we'll pop out and do ourselves a bit of shopping. There's a 28-inch surround sound TV with Fasttext, FST, Nicam and loads of other bullocks that nobody understands, that I have me eye on for a couple of months now.
Eddie : [Pulls back two black marshmellows from the fire] Bit overdone.
Richie : Right. Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint.
[Both laughing]
Eddie : [Glass breaks] Oh no, Richie! No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown. They've just thrown Aswad through it!
Richie : Have they? Right. Banzai, baby! Bankrobbers on and let's go shopping!
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[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots fom their window]
Richie : Some people are short-tempered, aren't they?
Eddie : Yeah. well, about four or five thousand of 'em, by the looks of things.
Richie : Yeah. But it's wonderful, though, Eddie. I mean, look. All the local communities are out there, on the streets.
Eddie : Beating the shit out of each other.
Richie : Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time. Oh, look at that policeman over there!
Eddie : Which one?
Richie : The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
Eddie : The one that's on fire?
Richie : Yeah!
Eddie : Now, well, he's got no one to blame but himself. It was him who started it all by appealing for calm.
Richie : Was it?
[To policeman]
Richie : Provocative bastard!
Eddie : I mean, what's the point in having a carnival if you can't get your shopping done?
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[Eddie and Richie are watching the riots from their window]
Richie : Oh look! Here come the Nazis. Hurrah! That should get things going again!
[There is a sound of broken glass]
Eddie : They're going into 'The Lamb & Flag'. Oh yeah, thought so. Dick's throwing them out now. Oh no, the police are throwing them back in!
[Sound of breaking glass]
Eddie : Now that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's anti-social, that is!
Richie : What?
Eddie : Throwing those bottles about like that!
Richie : No, no, Eddie, they're emptied.
Eddie : Oh! Oh, that's allright, then.
[To the Nazis]
Eddie : You go stucking, mate! Have one on me!
[He gets a bottle thrown at his head]
Richie : Now that'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley!
[They both make a cross, then two gunshots sound]
Eddie : [To father] Nice shooting, father!
[To Richie]
Eddie : Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he?
Richie : Yeah. I think he should put his clothes back on.
Eddie : Yeah. Mind you, I think his Dadness' thrown off the Nazi league.
Richie : What? Are they gone? Aw!
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Eddie : [Looking through the window] You know, these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riots.
Richie : I know, I know. They are bloody marvellous, aren't they?
[There is a big explosion in front of Eddie and Richie, to which they cheer and applaud]
Richie : Well done!
Eddie : Madness! Best part of the show so far!
Richie : Encore!
Eddie : That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.
Richie : Yeah. It was Fatty who threw the petrol bomb.
Eddie : Yeah. I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday. Same every year.
Richie : Yeah. Well, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.
Eddie : [Sirens sound] Oh, look. Here comes the fire brigade.
Richie : [Sounds of a car braking] Fatty's stopped them...
Eddie : ... he's having a word...
Richie : ... and money's changing hands...
Eddie : [Sirens sound again] ... and they're off again.
Richie : He must be going for the full rebuild again this year.
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Richie : Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Hey Eddie, look at this!
[reaches inside his pants, gives a big yank, and gasps]
Richie : Wrong one! Take a look at this!
[tries again, and pulls a videocamera out of his pants]
Richie : Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-taaah! What do you think?
Eddie : How did you get all that in your trousers?
Richie : Well, there's plenty of room in my trousers. Sadly.
Eddie : Where did you get it from?
Richie : Well, I found it in the back of a BBC van. I mean, it was just lying there, so I thought, I'll take it. I mean, I pay my licence fee.
Eddie : No, you don't.
Richie : No, but they don't know that.
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[Eddie and Richie are watching a secret video of the prime minister and a woman, thinking it's him with his mother]
Eddie : He's obviously got a very high fever.
Richie : Yeah.
Eddie : And that's why she sucking the poison out of him.
[They both move closer to the TV]
Richie : I wish I had a mum like that.
[They both have a painful expression]
Eddie : [To TV] Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him!
Richie : He's saying something, Eddie. What's he saying? Turn the sound up!
Eddie : [Turns the volume button] Oh no, I think it's mute.
Richie : Well, you can lip-read. What's he saying?
Eddie : Er... "Oh, yes! Ooooh, yes! Oh, yeeeees! Ooooh, yeeeees! Oh, oh, oh, yeeeeeees! OH, YEEEEES! OH YEEEHEEEHEEES! Aaaaaah!"
Richie : Ah, he's, he's calmed down a bit now.
Eddie : Hang on, who's she?
Richie : That must be his... his aunty.
[surprised expression]
Richie : She's very friendly, isn't she?
Eddie : I think they must be sisters.
Richie : Yeah, that'll be it.
[to TV]
Richie : NO, DON'T SIT THERE!
Eddie : She can't have seen him!
Richie : He'll suffocate!
Eddie : I can't think that that's hygenic!
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Eddie : I got a free police baton.
Richie : Whoo, interesting! Let's have a look!
Eddie : Yeah, well, I can't quite lay my hands on it at the moment
[points towards his bottom]
Richie : Nasty!
Eddie : Yeah, it's one of those new long ones as well. With the side handle. It's playing Merry Hell with my liver.
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Richie : Fret ye not, me old amigo. Because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, I think you'll find something in there that'll put a little smile on your face.
Eddie : What you mean?
Richie : Yes.
Eddie : Sharon Stone?
Richie : Ye... no!
Eddie : Sharon Stone, with a sort of "Where's Eddie?" look on her face, wearing nothing but a honey sandwich?
Richie : No!
Eddie : A jam sandwich?
Richie : No!
Eddie : Got it! It's a kebab, isn't it? It's a kebab!
Richie : It's not a kebab, Eddie! It's not a kebab!
Eddie : Sharon Stone painted green, vacuum-packed with a copy of the Racing Post sticking out of her bum!
Richie : Shut up!
[Punches Eddie repeatedly]
Eddie : [Dazed] Come in?
Richie : Now, just shut up, you sick depraved Eddie-de-Sade! I've told you before not tell me your foul deviant fantasies! God, I won't be able to sleep tonight, I won't be able to see by tomorrow morning!
[to himself]
Richie : Just think Kenneth Clark, Richie, just Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark,
[looks down his trousers]
Richie : John Selwyn Gummer!
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Eddie : [Eddie is severely injured from filming an accidents video] How was it then?
Richie : Eddie.
[Pats him on a sore area of the leg]
Richie : You were *fabulous!* Just, just, just, just astonishing! I mean, I cried.
Eddie : *You* cried?
Richie : Yeah, I cried. When I realized we'd forgotten to put the tape in the camera.
[Holds up video cassette]
Eddie : Tape wasn't in the camera?
Richie : -Ish.
Eddie : Does that mean there's a sort of problem with the recording?
Richie : We are going to have to go again.
Eddie : What, back to casualty?
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Richie : Casting! Casting! Get me some dogs! Casting, get me some dogs! And get me some jodhpurs, and get me an eye patch. And a casting couch with a nudie bird on it. Major jugs. I mean *major* jugs! No, scratch! Eddie, I've got it. It has to be a wedding. It has to be a wedding! We've got to move with the market, Eddie, it's the eighties after all. Right, all I need to do is find a bird, get her to marry me, suddenly have a lot of friends to come to the reception, and then suddenly at the dance afterwards, bam! Somebody accidentally falls over a bit.
Eddie : Or you could accidentally catch a dart in your head.
Richie : You may have something there, Eddie.
Eddie : Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
Richie : I mean, everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they? That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers! I mean, toddlers falling off trikes, pah! This is the real stuff, we're living on the cutting edge of family video accidents! Let's do it!
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Eddie : Nevermind about me, how did you get on?
Richie : Well not bad, not bad. Boots was a bit crowded and W.H Smith's was jammed and on fire a bit. There was an awful lot of blood in C & A's.
Eddie : Hmmmm.
Richie : Anyway, I popped into the Post Office on me way home to take some money out. It was a nightmare in there! You should've seen the queue! You should've seen the queue! By the time I got the front there was practically nothing left. There was no counter, no grill, no nothing.
Eddie : Tell me something new, I mean, Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable.
Richie : Well, I have heard that. Oh go on, have another Hob-Nob.
Eddie : Doh! You are evil!
Richie : Don't you start on me! Oh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it?
Eddie : No, I'm not that pervy.
Richie : Are you not?
Eddie : Did you see the fight going in the Semolina-U-Like? Oh, it's such a mess!
Richie : What can you do?
Eddie : I don't know.
Richie : I blame the T.V.
Eddie : I blame that Channel Tunnel.
Richie : I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.
