- Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
- Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Pfft! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo!
- Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.
- Uncle Vladimir: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead.
- Bender: That's what they said about being alive!
- Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much, or too little, I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.
- Robot Villager #2: I will go this far, and no further!
- [pull back to show the carriage has arrived at the castle gates]
- Will Reader: To my loyal butler, You There, for his decades of service, I leave a pittance, to be paid in twenty equal installments of one-twentieth of a pittance each.
- [Butler cries]
- Will Reader: To my lazy, spoiled son Tandy, who never understood the value of a dollar, I leave my entire $20 million fortune.
- Tandy: Is that a lot?
- Will Reader: And to my loving nephew Bender, assuming he's not the cause of my demise, I leave my castle.
- Bender: Yes! Let's stay there tonight!
- Will Reader: On condition that he spend one night within its walls.
- Bender: Oh, man, there's always a catch!
- [Bender, Fry, and Leela are looking for the original were-car]
- Robot Farmer: Ye think me be he?
- Bender: Si!
- Robot Farmer: Ni! I mean no.
- [last lines]
- Fry: You didn't hurt me at all! But I know you wanted to, and *that's* what matters.
- [Fry takes out a bottle of beer]
- Fry: [drinks it] Ah.
- Bender: [suddenly angry] Hey, that's my last beer! You bastard! I'll kill you!
- Fry: [friendly tone] I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill you too.
- [Bender starts choking Fry]
- Calculon: The year was 2019, and I was just a lowly robot arm working on Project Satan, a savage, intelligent military car built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW. The windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
- Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil.
- Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show, though. Anyway, only after bringing Project Satan to live did they discover they had made a horrible mistake. For you see, it was pure evil!
- Robot Villager #2: With all your modern science, are you any closer to understanding the mysteries of how a robot walks and talks?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.
- [Opens the panel on robot's chest]
- Robot Villager #2: [closes panel] I choose to believe what I was PROGRAMMED to believe!
- Hermes Conrad: And for Bender... Uh-oh. A black-bordered envelope.
- Amy Wong: Oh, no! Someone you know must have died.
- Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies. Those guys suck.
- Hermes Conrad: Bender, mon, no one's trying to run you over. Stop being a big, hallucinating baby.
- Bender: Yeah? Could a big, hallucinating baby do this?... Waah-ha-ha! I'm scared!
- Bender: I got a good vibe from this place. Nice, long dinner table; quiet, well behaved spiders; graveyard adjacent; Yep, this is going to be... Aah!
- Leela: What is it?
- Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.
- Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...
- Leela: [tries to kill Project Satan with a silver potato to the exhaust pipe] Oh, no! Theres's no exhaust pipe!
- Project Satan: That's right! Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
- Bender: No doubt about it. This place must be haunted.
- Hermes Conrad: Don't be silly, mon. The last ghost died over 200 years ago.
- Bender: The last *human* ghost. But robot ghosts... Ooooh!
- Fry: [as Were-Car Bender goes after Leela] You jerk! I thought I was your best friend! What kind of two-timing killmobile are you?
- [Leela, Bender and Fry find Project Satan looking miserable next to a burning furnace in the abandoned Automobile Lab]
- Leela: It looks so unhappy.
- [Leela approaches Project Satan]
- Leela: Excuse me. Are you Project Satan?
- [growling miserably, Project Satan turns to face Leela]
- Leela: Don't be afraid. We know what you are.
- Project Satan: [downcast] You do?
- Leela: [Fry and Bender come over] Would you like us to... put you out of your misery?
- Project Satan: [suddenly perks up with an evil tone] Misery? What misery? I *love* killing people! Squishing them 'til their organs squirt out like chunky mustard!
- Bender: [reasoning] Look, everyone loves killing people, but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
- [Fry puts his robotic arms around Fry and Leela, but Fry shakes him off and walks away as a bell chimes outside and Bender's arms turn into wheels]
- Leela: Oh, no! It's midnight!
- Bender: [turning evil] Hey, this is starting to feel pretty good!
- [Bender laughs and Project Satan laughs with him]
- [Bender fully transforms into the Were-Car as Project Satan pulls up beside him]
- Project Satan: [evilly] Take whichever one you want!
- Bender: [excited] Oh, boy! I feel like a car in a Candy Store!
- [Bender decides between Fry and Leela and chases after Fry]
- Fry: [running] Yes! He chose me! He's trying to kill *me*!
- [Project Satan lands on a ramp, chuckles but then sees that he's heading towards the fiery furnace, he brakes but slides sideways into the furnace and melts, lifting the curse and Bender, still in mid-air between ramps, transforms back into a robot]
- Bender: Uh-oh!
- [Bender crash-lands at the bottom of the other ramp]
- Leela: [runs over as Bender gets up] Bender! You're cured! But what happened to Fry?
- Bender: [emotionally] I must've killed him! He was my *best friend*! And I killed him! Ahh! I never felt so empty inside!
- [Bender's door opens, revealing Fry alive cooped up inside]
- Fry: [relieved] Bender! I'm alive!
- [Fry climbs out]
- Fry: You didn't hurt me at all!