- [the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]
- Homer: [singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...
- [gun goes off, killing a buffalo]
- Homer: Whoopsie.
- Lisa: Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!
- Homer: A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.
- [shoots another buffalo]
- Lisa: Why'd you kill another one?
- Homer: Dessert.
- Homer Bufflekill: I haven't had buffalo in six hours. Marge, how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J.?
- Marge Bufflekill: The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all.
- Homer Bufflekill: [looking out on the landscape and wailing] Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done?
- Bart Simpson: Calm down, Pa. There's two left.
- Homer Bufflekill: [shooting them] What have I done? What have I done?
- Bart Simpson: [the hobo finishes his Paul Bunyan story] Boy, that story had everything. A giant, house crushing, a meteor...
- Marge Simpson: Townspeople.
- Lisa: Got any more tall tales?
- Hobo: Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns. But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy.
- Homer: [the family exchange looks with each other] All right. But your next story better be worth it.
- Hobo: [lifting his leg] Get in there good. Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy. There you go.
- Paul Bunyan: We've been together a long time now. When are we gonna... you know...
- Marge Simpson: Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.
- Principal Skinner: [managing to knock Paul Bunyan out] Good Lord! Brought down by one beer?
- Moe Szyslak: [holding an oversized tranquilizer pill] And a couple of these babies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the barn dance.
- Connie Appleseed: Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie. Think.
- Moleman: Connie.
- Connie Appleseed: Wha...
- Moleman: Connie.
- Connie Appleseed: [thinking it's the tree talking] That tree! It seems to be calling to me.
- [running up to it]
- Connie Appleseed: Of course! Apples!
- Moleman: [farther ahead, sinking into quicksand] No, Connie, over here! Help me!
- Connie Appleseed: I don't want anything to do with this wagon train of death. Either switch to apples, or go on without me. Hmph!
- [she sticks her nose in the air; with the crack of a whip, the wagon leaves without her]
- Connie Appleseed: [throwing an apple] You'll be sorry!
- [the apple landing and a buffalo braying are heard, followed by the thud of its body hitting the ground]
- Airline Ticket Agent: You're next, Mr. Simpson.
- Homer: Hey, wait a minute. "Airport tax, $5.00"?
- Airline Ticket Agent: Sir, it's a standard fee.
- Homer: Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax.
- [shaking his fist]
- Homer: Waive it!
- [cut to the family trying to board a departing freight train]
- Homer: Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws!
- Hobo: [singing] Now, Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match/But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch.
- Paul Bunyan: Huh?
- [gasping as he sees Marge]
- Paul Bunyan: She's pretty.
- Marge Simpson: Oh. What a handsome man.
- [they run towards each other; realizing his size, she screams and runs the other way]
- Paul Bunyan: [catching her] Got ya! Don't worry. I won't smush you. You're cute.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you.
- [humming, he sticks her beehive hairdo into his ear like a Q-tip]
- Marge Simpson: Hey, what are you doing?
- Paul Bunyan: I just wanna spruce up for our date.
- Frink: Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! Pain in the glayvin!
- Reverend Lovejoy: God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love.
- Mayor Quimby: [clamoring from the townsfolk] There's only one man who can save us.
- Paul Bunyan: [transition to his house] Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me. But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr. Popular.
- Lenny: Yeah. That's pretty much it.
- Paul Bunyan: Whoo-hoo! I'm Mr. Popular!
- [giggling, he dances a jig]
- Paul Bunyan: [with a tree-log bat as a meteor barrels towards the town] Come on. Right across the plate. Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled.
- Marge Simpson: You can do it, Paul!
- Paul Bunyan: Gimme a kiss for luck.
- [as he bends over, the meteor lands in his exposed butt crack]
- Paul Bunyan: [hopping around in pain] Ow! Hot! Oh, boy, that's... Oh, come on! Ow!
- Hobo: [his musical intro to the story of Paul Bunyan] Won't you listen to my tale that's ten stories tall/'Bout a king-sized woodsman named-a Bunyan, comma, Paul/Born mighty big, he continued to expand/Thanks to a hopped-up pituitary gland/His body grew big, but his brain stayed small/He was tree-choppin', friend-stompin', house-crushin' Paul.
- Hobo: [narrating his Connie Appleseed story] With the buffalo gone, the starving settlers were driven to cannibalism.
- Chief Wiggum: [drawing wishbones] You're the fattest, Bufflekill. Okay, everybody, dig in!
- [Homer shrieks as they all advance on him]
- Connie Appleseed: Stop! I've got apples! Delicious, nutritious apples. And there's enough for everyone.
- Additional Voices: [Sideshow Mel, taking a bite] Sweet!
- [taking another bite]
- Additional Voices: It's like a hootenanny in my mouth!
- Principal Skinner: We're saved!
- Ned Flanders: It's a miracle!
- Carl: Hurray for Connie Bufflekill!
- Moe Szyslak: [sticking his head out from under Homer's coat] What? So now we're not eating Homer?
- Moe Szyslak: All right, look, we gotta do something about Bunyan. We're going bankrupt just feedin' and clothing the guy, not to mention the crushings.
- Carl: [murmurs of agreement] Hey, I say we get him drunk and drag him out of town. Same way we got rid of Laura Ingalls Wilder.