The Simpsons (TV Series)

Simpsons Tall Tales (2001)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Grampa, Barney, Willie, Mayor Quimby, Moleman, Krusty, Paul Bunyan, Homer Bufflekill, Judge Thatcher

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West] 

  Homer : [singing]  Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...

  [gun goes off, killing a buffalo] 

  Homer : Whoopsie.

  Lisa : Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!

  Homer : A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be dinner for the whole wagon train.

  [shoots another buffalo] 

  Lisa : Why'd you kill another one?

  Homer : Dessert.

• [Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat] 

  Homer Simpson : Oh boy, buffalo testicles.

• Homer Bufflekill : I haven't had buffalo in six hours. Marge, how about whipping up some buffalo sausage, huevos buffaleros, and some fresh-squeezed buffal-O.J.?

  Marge Bufflekill : The buffalo are gone. I think you shot them all.

  Homer Bufflekill : [looking out on the landscape and wailing]  Oh! Connie was right! We wiped out the entire species! What have I done? What have I done?

  Bart Simpson : Calm down, Pa. There's two left.

  Homer Bufflekill : [shooting them]  What have I done? What have I done?

• Bart Simpson : [the hobo finishes his Paul Bunyan story]  Boy, that story had everything. A giant, house crushing, a meteor...

  Marge Simpson : Townspeople.

  Lisa : Got any more tall tales?

  Hobo : Well, I suppose I could spin ya a few more yarns. But first, who wants to give me a sponge bath? I'm filthy.

  Homer : [the family exchange looks with each other]  All right. But your next story better be worth it.

  Hobo : [lifting his leg]  Get in there good. Yeah, that's it. Don't be shy. There you go.

• Paul Bunyan : We've been together a long time now. When are we gonna... you know...

  Marge Simpson : Soon. I just need a few more yoga classes.

• Connie Appleseed : Why is it we have ladders that can put a man on the roof but we can't find a renewable source of food? Think, Connie. Think.

  Moleman : Connie.

  Connie Appleseed : Wha...

  Moleman : Connie.

  Connie Appleseed : [thinking it's the tree talking]  That tree! It seems to be calling to me.

  [running up to it] 

  Connie Appleseed : Of course! Apples!

  Moleman : [farther ahead, sinking into quicksand]  No, Connie, over here! Help me!

• Airline Ticket Agent : You're next, Mr. Simpson.

  Homer : Hey, wait a minute. "Airport tax, $5.00"?

  Airline Ticket Agent : Sir, it's a standard fee.

  Homer : Well, we are not boarding that plane unless you waive that tax.

  [shaking his fist] 

  Homer : Waive it!

  [cut to the family trying to board a departing freight train] 

  Homer : Stupid anti-fist-shaking laws!

• Hobo : [singing]  Now, Paul and Babe were a mighty fine match/But the man had an itch that an ox couldn't scratch.

  Paul Bunyan : Huh?

  [gasping as he sees Marge] 

  Paul Bunyan : She's pretty.

  Marge Simpson : Oh. What a handsome man.

  [they run towards each other; realizing his size, she screams and runs the other way] 

  Paul Bunyan : [catching her]  Got ya! Don't worry. I won't smush you. You're cute.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, thank you.

  [humming, he sticks her beehive hairdo into his ear like a Q-tip] 

  Marge Simpson : Hey, what are you doing?

  Paul Bunyan : I just wanna spruce up for our date.

• Frink : Hey, that meteor's headed straight for us with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain! Pain in the glayvin!

  Reverend Lovejoy : God has sent this fiery kill rock to show us his love.

  Mayor Quimby : [clamoring from the townsfolk]  There's only one man who can save us.

  Paul Bunyan : [transition to his house]  Oh, I get it. When I'm crushing and killing you, you don't like me. But when I can save your life, suddenly I'm Mr. Popular.

  Lenny : Yeah. That's pretty much it.

  Paul Bunyan : Whoo-hoo! I'm Mr. Popular!

  [giggling, he dances a jig] 

• Paul Bunyan : [with a tree-log bat as a meteor barrels towards the town]  Come on. Right across the plate. Let's see what you got, huh? This one's for the little crippled boy... that I crippled.

  Marge Simpson : You can do it, Paul!

  Paul Bunyan : Gimme a kiss for luck.

  [as he bends over, the meteor lands in his exposed butt crack] 

  Paul Bunyan : [hopping around in pain]  Ow! Hot! Oh, boy, that's... Oh, come on! Ow!