- [Santa is being interrogated by the Iraq military]
- Interrogator: What does America want with Iraq? Tell me my main man!
- Santa Claus: I don't know, I live in the north pole.
- [Interrogator pulls out two metal rods]
- Santa Claus: What are you going to do to me?
- Interrogator: They say it was the Chinese who first experimented with electro-shock to the testicles...
- Santa Claus: Oh no! Not Santa's balls!
- [Zap]
- Santa Claus: Aargh! I'm gonna fucking *kill* you!
- Interrogator: You're going to tell me what I want, my main man.
- Santa Claus: Then we're in for a long night, 'cos I don't know shit!
- [they've boarded Santa's spare sleigh]
- Kyle: How do we start this thing?
- Gnome: You just have to call out the reindeer's name.
- Cartman: Oh yeah. On Dasher. On Prancer. On Comet...
- Gnome: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace and Chantel, on Skippy, and Rainbow and Patches and Montel.
- Underpants Gnome: Red sleigh down... red sleigh down.
- [Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
- Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
- [an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
- Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
- [Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
- Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
- [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
- Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
- [he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
- Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
- [Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
- Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
- Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
- [the boys are speechless]
- Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
- Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
- Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
- Jesus: [groans] Santa?
- Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
- Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
- [he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
- Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
- Kyle: You bastards.
- Eric Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole.
- [Jesus looks at him]
- Eric Cartman: I mean, oh wow, these poor, unfortunate people.
- Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.