- Reese: [Lois unintentionally infects Malcolm with her mononucleosis] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the 'kissing disease' from Mom. Which will happen right about...
- Reese: [he hits his computer mouse to 'send'] ... now!
- Malcolm: I didn't kiss her, you saw it.
- Reese: What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
- Dewey: It was disgusting.
- Malcolm: She licked her finger and touched my face.
- Reese: Spare us the perv details.
- Hal: Okay, I'm going over to Dave and Tina's. Everything okay in here?
- Lois: We're fine.
- Malcolm: Fizzazzine.
- Lois: Fizzazzine. Feeling mizzazzuch bizzetter.
- Hal: Are you taking your pills?
- Lois: Gizzo awazzay.
- Malcolm: Yeah, lizzeave us alazzone.
- Hal: Okay, well... Gizzazzood bizzazzye.
- Lois: What? Hal, you're not making any sense.
- Malcolm: That's really weird, Dad.
- Hal: Sorry. Feel better.
- Malcolm: This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the Doctor's and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for 2 weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.
- Hal: Come on, you'll have plenty of time to yell at the boys once you beat this thing. But right now you've got billions of germs inside of you that you need to focus your hatred on.