- Sam Tyler: I used to go to football with my dad. United and City fans used to walk to the match together. Our next door neighbour, he had a City flag up in his window. Kids used to play together in the street - red and blue. But then people like you came along and you took it away from us.
- Pete Bond: A good punch up's all part of the game. It's about pride. Pride in your team. Being the best.
- Sam Tyler: No it isn't. This is how it starts and then it escalates. It gets on the telly and in the press and then other fans from other clubs start trying to out do each other. And then it becomes about hate and then it's nothing to do with football any more. It's about gangs and scumbags like you roaming the country seeing who can cause the most trouble. And then we overreact, and we have to put up perimeter fences and we treat the fans like animals. Forty, fifty thousand people herded into pens. And then how long before something happens, eh? How long before something terrible happens and we are dragging bodies out?
- Pete Bond: What's this?
- Sam Tyler: It's chicken in a basket.
- Man: Where's me plate?
- Sam Tyler: You don't need a plate. It's in a basket.
- Gene: Word.
- [He takes Sam further down the bar]
- Gene: Chicken... in a basket?
- Sam Tyler: You told me to use my initiative.
- Gene: Right, let's see how good you really are.
- [hands him a piece of paper]
- Gene: Two oxtail soups.
- [Sam looks at the paper, then takes Gene's tea-towel and wipes the food list off the board before throwing the towel at him]
- Sam Tyler: Food's off.
- Ray Carling: I'm arresting you for the theft of a motor vehicle, resisting arrest... and driving like a div.
- Gene: Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!
- Ray Carling: I think it was a heart attack.
- Gene: Then it must've exploded out of his arse, there's blood all down his back.
- [Gene and Sam need to get a pub landlord out of the way so that they can go undercover]
- Gene: Ray! Go and arrest the landlord of the Trafford Arms
- Ray Carling: What for?
- Gene: Think of something on the way.
- [later]
- Gene: In a bizarre twist of fate the landlord was arrested this afternoon... on suspicion of Cattle Rustling.
- [Ray takes a bow and receives a round of applause]
- Sam Tyler: I thought you were pissed.
- Gene: Yeah, well think again. Coz I could drink every one of those toe rags under the table and still stop off for a pint on me way home. Are we done here?
- Sam Tyler: Yeah.
- Gene: Good. Coz if I want a bollocking for drinking too much, I'll call the wife thank you very much.