- Terrance: Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob.
- Celine Dion: What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
- Phillip: Because that's his name you stupid bitch.
- Celine Dion: You told me your name was Handsome Bob.
- Terrance: Look at him Celine Dion.
- [Terrance removes the bag from Bob's head and Celine screams]
- Phillip: Behold, his horrible face.
- Celine Dion: Oh my God, he's heinously ugly, and I am pregnant with his child.
- Terrance: What? Noooooo.
- Celine Dion: I'm going to have a freak-baby.
- Phillip: Oh, the humanity.
- Scott: Who is this?
- Saddam Hussein: Lets just say that I'm someone who can help you if you help me. Just call me your old pal Saddam Hussein.
- Scott: Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?
- Saddam Hussein: Hey relax guy, I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.
- Scott: What do you want?
- Saddam Hussein: You want Terrance and Phillip *out* of Canada, I want you to bring my friends and me *into* Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super. Lets get started.
- Scott: I'm not sure I should trust you.
- Saddam Hussein: Hey, relax guy. Trust me.
- [Ominous chord]
- Saddam Hussein: You're a journalist, right?
- Scott: Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
- Saddam Hussein: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
- Scott: Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not.
- Scott: All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt, a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer": "Dr. O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in with my new hammer." Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God. J'accuse Terrance.
- Phillip: Oh, hello Scott. No hard feelings, right old pal?
- Scott: There are hard feelings, this isn't over. I'm going to see to it that you both pay for what you've done. And do you know why?
- Phillip: 'Cause you're a dick?
- Scott: No, because I hate you. You think farting is soo funny, well it isn't. Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I...
- [Terrance farts]
- Scott: Hey, you were supposed to kill Terence and Philip and then leave, not try to take over Canada. That was our deal!
- Saddam Hussein: [quoting Darth Vader] I changed my mind. Pray I don't change it any further.
- Scott: [quoting Lando Calrissian] This deal is getting worse all the time!
- Terrance: I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
- [doorbell rings]
- Delivery Man: Special delivery for Terrance.
- Philip: I'll take that.
- Delivery Man: Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here... and here.
- Philip: Oh Terrance, you got a letter.
- Terrance: Shiver me timbers Philip. At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft dinner.