Futurama (TV Series)

Roswell That Ends Well (2001)

Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Enos Fry, Sears-Roebuck Salesman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fry : But won't that change history?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [ultra sarcastic]  Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!

• Dr. Zoidberg : [as a scientist is sawing at something during an autopsy]  Don't cut that! I need that to speak!

  [the scientist looks at his colleague, starts sawing faster] 

• President Truman : [Roswell, circa 1947]  If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Both good. The important thing is, I'm meeting new people.

  President Truman : Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Are you coming on to me?

  President Truman : Hot crackers! I take exception to that.

  Dr. Zoidberg : [coyly]  I'm not hearing a no...

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out that you were supposed to do it; in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!

  Fry : Got it.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.

  Fry : [gasp]  But existing is basically all I do!

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Above all else it is our sacred duty to preserve the past just as it is.

  [Fry walks in] 

  Fry : Well, I've killed my grandfather.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Whaaaaaaaa?

  Leela : Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?

  Fry : I don't know. Maybe God loves me.

  [Bender laughs maniacally] 

• Scientist : [an autopsy on Zoidberg is taking place]  Heart.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Take, I've got four of them!

  Scientist : Stomach contents: One deviled egg.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Deviled egg?

  [eats it from the tray] 

  Scientist : [pause]  The same deviled egg.

• Mildred : What'll you folks have today?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I'll have some Soylent Green, with a slice of Soylent Orange and some Soylent coleslaw.

  Mildred : Huh?

  Leela : [whispering]  It's the 20th century, Professor.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills, and a stein of mead.

  Leela : I'll just have a small injection of Fem-a-slim.

  Mildred : Uh, two chili dogs comin' right up.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [Farnsworth, Leela and Bender react in disgust after Fry slept with Mildred]  What the hell have you done, Fry?

  Fry : Relax, she can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Of course, she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!

  Mildred : [Mildred aged drastically and is knitting]  Come back to bed, dearie.

  Fry : [screams]  It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, then who's my grandfather?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Isn't is obvious?

  [Fry shakes his head] 

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : *YOU* are!

  Fry : Aaaah! Aaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAH!

  Mildred : Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.

  Fry : AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

• Bender : Fry, stop interfering with history! I don't wanna have to memorize a lot of new kings when I get back.

  Fry : I had no choice. I was about to not exist. I could feel myself fading away, like Greg Kinnear.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Remarkable! According to this high-precision digital chronograph, it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.

• Fry : We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.

• Fry : What smells like blue?

• Leela : Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

• Leela : Why is traffic so light around Earth?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : And what is this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?

  Bender : Amen.

• Fry : Ooh, my popcorn's done.

  [Goes to microwave; popcorn has reverted to an ear of corn] 

  Fry : Aw, it's less popped than ever.

• Fry : Bender, what was it like lying in that hole for a thousand years?

  Bender : I was enjoying it until you guys showed up.

• Leela : Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him.

  [to salesman] 

  Leela : Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.

  Sears-Roebuck Salesman : Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the Deluxe Gas Princess. This beauty has four broilers; a casserole indicator; a fold-out ironing board; and, down here, a foot-soaking tub; since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.

  [Leela slams oven door on salesman's knee] 

  Leela : Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?

  Sears-Roebuck Salesman : Sir, your wife is histerical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Ooh, that's good news. You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

  [Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire] 

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [to salesman]  Women!

• Dr. Zoidberg : The President is gagging on my gas bladder. What an honor.

• Fry : I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night's sky.

  Bender : Yeah. Anyone who misses it will regret it the rest of his life. Hey, Fry. Could you go make us some popcorn?

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You really don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

• Fry : [trying to distract Mildred from seducing him]  You know what really cheers you up, baking a tray of sugar cookies.

  Mildred : [seductively]  How about *these* cookies, *sugar*?

  [Mildred rips open her top to reveal her black bra] 

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Yes, sir, we tore the universe a new space hole. But it's clenching shut fast.

• Fry : Are you crazy? You almost got yourself run over!

  Enos Fry : I did? Then, I sure am lucky you knocked me onto this pile of rusty bayonets.

• Mildred : [on phone]  Killed by an atomic blast? No, sir. I don't take any solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.

  [cries] 

  Fry : Aw, there, there. If it's any consolation, his body was vaporized, so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.

  Mildred : I'm not worried about that.

  Fry : Then you're a braver woman than I.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Choke on that, causality!

  Bender : 1947 can bite my shiny, metal...

  [Head falls off ship] 

  Bender : Aaaaaaaahhhh!

• Dr. Zoidberg : There... Good as new.

  Leela : Don't you need this one?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Oh, no! That's my...

  [He coughs, grasps his throat and falls] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : [Rising up again]  Gotcha!

  [Leela glares at Zoidberg and throws Organ away] 

• General : What's your purpose here?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Alright, officer. I'll move it along.

  General's Assistant : What the general means is why'd you come to Earth?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.