- Low Rimmer: I'm going to thrash you to within an inch of your life. And then... I'm going to have you.
- High Kryten: The poor wretch. He has a faulty gun. He has accidentally shot me five times. Oh, how I love him.
- High Lister: Have I told you today how much I love thee, brother? How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thine beauteous countenance?
- High Rimmer: Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother.
- Rimmer: What a bunch of losers!
- Lister: Someone get behind me.
- Kryten: I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.
- Lister: Okay, Kryten, take me by surprise.
- Kryten: I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir.
- Lister: Get on with it, surprise me.
- Kryten: You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform. Don't be alarmed.
- Lister: Surprise me now.
- Kryten: Here comes my surprise, sir.
- High Lister: Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife-end with my blood. A thousand apologies.
- [falls over]
- Rimmer: Gentlemen, history beckons. You'll be famous. They'll build your statues. They'll even name towns after you. "Dorksville" springs instantly to mind.
- Lister: I tell you one thing: I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets, and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
- The Cat: Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster." "Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head."
- Kryten: Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. Urg. Toastie Toppers. Ugh. Cinema hot dogs. Ogh. Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out. Ogh.
- The Cat: Look at this music. "Hammond Heaven." "Karaoke Krazy." "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies." Let's get outta here.