Thirtysomething (TV Series)

The Mike Van Dyke Show (1988)

Timothy Busfield: Elliot Weston

Quotes 

• Michael Steadman : Tomorrow, I see my father's headstone.

  Elliot Weston : That should be fun.

  Michael Steadman : Yeah. I don't know if I want to be buried.

  Elliot Weston : Oh, come on Putrefaction is part of the life cycle. Replenishing the soil, plants can grow, animals can eat. People can eat animals and get clogged arteries and die, replenish the soil some more.

• Michael Steadman : Hey, you want to know what I'm getting you for Christmas?

  Elliot Weston : I don't believe in Christmas. I'm gonna shoot down Santa's reindeer with a machine gun.

  Michael Steadman : Yeah? I thought Elliot wanted a missile launcher.

  Elliot Weston : Yeah, weapons change daily and ordnance.

  Michael Steadman : Really? What are you gonna do about it?

  Elliot Weston : Tell Santa to take out insurance. I mean, what can I do? You know, it's the first Christmas since we broke up. Who can blame him?

  Michael Steadman : Is there anything that we can do?

  Elliot Weston : Yeah, tell his parents to get their crap together.

• Michael Steadman : A rap song to sell laxative?

  Elliot Weston : What the hell do you want from me? I'm sick of this. I am, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of carrying this business. I'm sick of you sitting there passing judgment on every idea I have, inhibiting my creativity.

  Michael Steadman : We could show before and after pictures.

  Elliot Weston : Look, I know why I'm not working. Why are you not working?

  Michael Steadman : I am working, just badly.

• Michael Steadman : So, you have a history of consorting with Jews.

  Elliot Weston : Oh, yeah, yeah. I have a lot of admiration for the Jewish race. Their warmth. Their infinite patience in the face of adversity. Yeah, the Jews have played a key part in my personal development.

  Michael Steadman : Really?

  Elliot Weston : Yeah. Of course, they also killed our Lord, but I've forgiven 'em for that.

  Michael Steadman : What role in your personal development?

  Elliot Weston : I lost my virginity to Judy Saperstein.

  Michael Steadman : Oh, yeah? But you didn't marry her, did you? No, you married someone of your own persuasion.

  Elliot Weston : I would have married her except for she dumped me for Gordon Birnbaum.

  Michael Steadman : And, of course, they're happy now, right? I mean, lighting candles on Friday night. Not eating shellfish together.

  Michael Steadman : No, actually I heard they became Sikks and moved to an ashram in upstate Oregon.