- John Munch: Fill me in. From the top. Start with you name and birth date.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: John Fitzgerald Byers. 11-22-63.
- John Munch: Seriously.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: I was named after JFK. Before the assassination, my parents were going to call me "Bertram."
- John Munch: Lucky you.
- Susanne Modeski: [parting words to Byers, Frohike and Langly] No matter how paranoid you are, you're not paranoid enough. Tell the truth. Reach as many people as you can with it, that's your weapon.
- John Munch: [as he's releasing Byers, Frohike and Langly from jail] Here's a tip: aluminum foil makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government's mind-control rays. Keep you guys out of trouble.
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Say it.
- [Frohike hesitates]
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: *Say it*.
- Melvin Frohike: [reluctantly and quietly] Your kung fu is the best.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: [wrapping up his improbable story] That was the last we saw of him. Almost immediately the police got there. We panicked and hid. You know the rest.
- John Munch: Do I look like Geraldo to you? Don't lie to me like I'm Geraldo. I am not Geraldo!
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: [Byers, Frohike and Langly are in jail] We're screwed.
- [to Frhohike]
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Thank you *so* much for getting me involved in this, Doohickey!
- Melvin Frohike: *Frohike*, you hippie jerk.
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: *Doohickey*!
- Melvin Frohike: You know, with that long, blond hair, you'll be the first one in here that gets traded for cigarettes. I'm gonna be laughin' my ass off.
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: [stand ups and faces Frohike] Oh yeah? You wanna cha-cha?
- [takes off his jacket]
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Any time, any place.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: [to Frohicke and Langly] Both of you relax!
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: [to Byers] Shut up, ya narc!
- Melvin Frohike: [to Byers] It's your fault we're here!
- [last lines]
- Fox Mulder: [to Byers, Frohike and Langly] What I need from you guys is to tell me what the hell happened last night.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: You want the truth.
- Fox Mulder: Well, yeah, I want the truth.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: You might want to sit down. This is going to take a while.
- [they all sit down]
- John Fitzgerald Byers: The truth is, none of us is safe. Secret elements within the United States government seek to surveil us and control our lives.
- Fox Mulder: *What*?
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Tell him about the hotel room Bibles.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: Mm-hmm, yeah, I'm coming to that. It all started with Susanne Modeski...
- [fade to black]
- John Fitzgerald Byers: It's all true what Susanne said about you people, isn't it? About John F. Kennedy... Dallas...
- Mr. X: I heard it was a lone gunman.
- Melvin Frohike: You're telling me that the U.S. Government, the same government that gave us Amtrak...
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Not to mention the Susan B. Anthony dollar.
- Melvin Frohike: is behind some of the darkest, most far-reaching conspiracies on the planet? That's just crazy.
- John Fitzgerald Byers: Secret elements within the United States Government seek to surveil us and control our lives.
- Fox Mulder: What?
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: Hey lady, if you want to watch Matlock with Andy Griffith all blue and squiggly, go right ahead and buy from this guy. If you want quality bootleg cable, you talk to me.
- Melvin Frohike: If you want a converter that'll short out and burn your house down, definitely talk to this guy.
- Richard 'Ringo' Langly: That was a one-time fluke.