Caroline Dhavernas: Jaye Tyler

Quotes 

• Peter Johnson : You're not dressed for an afternoon of Tchaikovsky and heavy petting.

  Jaye : Ewwwww!

• Dick Johnson : [learning Peter bought a mail-order bride from Russia]  What were you gonna do with her, Peter?

  Peter Johnson : Protect her! That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to protect your wife and keep her safe and make sure she doesn't die.

  Dick Johnson : Peter, she had cancer.

  Peter Johnson : You should've kept her safe. Safe from carcinogens, safe from power lines and microwaves. If you loved her more, you would have kept her safe. If he loved her like I love you.

  Jaye : Okay, that's my other problem.

  Dick Johnson : Peter, you're 12 years old. You don't love this woman.

  Peter Johnson : How would you know? You don't know how to love! That's what's wrong with you! He's a wuss; just like your boyfriend.

  Jaye : If you wanna slap him, I'll totally look the other way.

• Sharon Tyler : Are you in the mafia?

  Jaye : What are you talking about?

  Sharon Tyler : A Russian mail-order bride is not something you get on eBay. You do realize these women are Russian mob-controlled sex slaves. You can't be involved with a sex slave. You get too close to something like that, you might be next.

  Jaye : I can't be next. I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

• Jaye : That kid's not right. He's fixated on Eric. Keeps insisting I should dump him.

  Mahandra McGinty : I thought you weren't a couple.

  Jaye : Shut up. I need your car.

  Mahandra McGinty : After the last time I let you borrow my car, I'm thinkin'... not.

  Jaye : Fine. Where's Eric's car?

  Mahandra McGinty : Probably in the parking lot, where people with cars park them.

  Jaye : Where are his keys?

  Mahandra McGinty : Probably in his pocket, where people with pockets put things like keys.

  Jaye : Damn.

  Mahandra McGinty : And since when do you need keys to start a car that doesn't belong to you?

  Jaye : Ooh. Good point.

• Jaye : [covered in feathers after her car is stolen]  I hitched a ride on a poultry truck. And can I just say, I'm never eating wings ever again, unless they're actually made from buffalo. Where's Eric? I need to talk to him about our son.

  Mahandra McGinty : I thought he was with you.

  Jaye : Me? Why would he be with me? We're not a couple.

  Mahandra McGinty : Then why would you have a son? And are you referring to that freaky kid Eric just left with?

  Jaye : He was here?

  Mahandra McGinty : Uh-huh. Just came in, said something about you and a cabin, and then they both ran outta here. Not that I was eavesdropping; well, not very successfully, anyway.

  Jaye : Oh, my God. Psycho-boy cabin. The kid's probably got a shrine up there with Eric's picture and a bullseye or something. The cabin. The cabin, where did he say it was? On a lake. Which lake? Was it Chautauqua?

  Mahandra McGinty : What is going on?

  Jaye : Remember that Russian mail-order bride?

  Mahandra McGinty : Yeah.

  Jaye : Actually, that's all I have time for right now. I need your car.

  Mahandra McGinty : What happened to yours?

  Jaye : I lost it.

  Mahandra McGinty : Um, I don't feel comfortable lending my car to someone who lost theirs.

  Jaye : I need your car! Lives are at stake. Possibly.

• Jaye : [kissing Eric]  So, you know when you have, like, that first date and there's all that tension because you've never kissed before? Well, now we can just go out and it can be tension-free.

  Eric Gotts : I, uh... I still have tension.

  Peter Johnson : [approaching as they kiss again]  So, I guess you worked out your differences.

  Jaye : We didn't have any differences.

  Peter Johnson : Congratulations to the victor. I'm gracious enough to admit that the better man has won the girl. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

  [in the background, Eric's car bursts into flames] 

  Peter Johnson : You know, eventually. I may still have issues.

• Eric Gotts : So, you came to rescue me.

  Jaye : I guess I kinda did.

  Eric Gotts : Thanks, but he is only a kid.

  Jaye : Yeah. Well, I guess I was trying to rescue you from me. I'm the one who let him get away.

  Eric Gotts : I don't think I need to be rescued from you. In fact, I think that...

  Jaye : You know what, maybe this isn't really a conversation we should be having right now.

  Eric Gotts : Oh, this isn't gonna be a conversation. It's actually gonna be a speech by me. I had some time to think during my abduction, and here's the thing. I don't know what your issues are or what happened to you to make you the way you are, but you're clearly not ready for a relationship. Frankly, I think with you, any sort of human interaction is pretty iffy. And that's not a criticism, because God knows you saw what happened to me back in that chapel. I'm damaged, and it's gonna take me time to heal; probably longer than I can guess. Which is why I think... we should absolutely have a date.

  Jaye : What?

  Eric Gotts : You know, a date.

  Jaye : I know what a date is. You're not talking about the fruit, are you?

  Eric Gotts : I just feel like there's something here; a spark or chemistry or something. We should explore that.

  Jaye : But the issues and the damage, you weren't wrong about any of that. In fact, you don't even know the half of it. Forget about your damage. I'm quite possibly certifiable. Why would you wanna get involved with anything potentially as messy and complicated as, well... me?

  Eric Gotts : Because you make me happy.

• Jaye : Excuse me, Mr. Johnson? I'd like you to meet your son.

  Peter Johnson : We've met, actually.

  Dick Johnson : What'd you do?

  Peter Johnson : My only sin is love.

  Dick Johnson : What'd he do?

  Jaye : He ordered a wife from Russia.

  Dick Johnson : You bought a woman?

  Peter Johnson : She's my fiancee. Was my fiancee.

  Dick Johnson : Well, where is she now, in some kind of shelter?

  Jaye : She's singing Russian folk ballads at the High and Dry Trailer Park. He was planning on locking her away in the woods where nobody would know about her... or hear her scream.

• Jaye : Where's your sense of compassion? Can't you just have her deported?

  Sharon Tyler : I can't have her deported unless her visa expires.

  Jaye : What if she breaks the law?

  Sharon Tyler : You cannot go down that road again. There's no more wiggle room on your rap sheet.

  Jaye : I promised myself I wouldn't beg.

  Sharon Tyler : No. No. No begging.

  Jaye : Please. Please help me.

  Sharon Tyler : I... I don't... I guess I'll see what I can do.

  Jaye : Thank you.

  [Sharon chuckles] 

  Jaye : What?

  [she starts laughing] 

  Jaye : You're not laughing because of the begging?

  Sharon Tyler : I just think it's funny you moved in with a woman before I did.

• Jaye : I have a problem. Peter showed up at my house last night with a big black eye, and he says you did it.

  Eric Gotts : That's ridiculous.

  Jaye : Yeah, I know. I have a problem. Peter showed up at my house last night with a big black eye, and he says you did it.

  [he chuckles] 

  Jaye : What are you laughing at? It's not funny. Clearly, he did it to himself. The kid is disturbed. He thinks you're my boyfriend.

  Eric Gotts : Hey, you're the one that gave him a taste for it.

  Jaye : For what?

  Eric Gotts : Violence. I'm sure he fell in love with you the second you threw him up against that wall.

  Jaye : Uh, no. If I wanted him to fall in love with me, I would have given him a taste for fish Jell-O.

  Eric Gotts : What's that supposed to mean?

  Jaye : It's impossible you could have liked any of your three portions. It's fish Jell-O. You do realize that's Jell-O and fish?

  Eric Gotts : I don't know why you're so bent out of shape. You made it perfectly clear that you weren't interested in me.

  Jaye : When did I make anything perfectly clear?

• Jaye : You're not my boyfriend! It's just a statement of fact. Doesn't mean I'm not interested.

  Eric Gotts : Are you?

  Jaye : If I were in a position to be interested in somebody, I think it could be safe to say it'd be someone very much... not unlike... you.

  Eric Gotts : Did you just come down here to deliver your mixed message in person?

  Jaye : I came here because I have a Peter problem. He invited me to the opera. Come on, you gotta help me out. I can't have a stalker whose voice hasn't changed yet.

  Eric Gotts : I don't know what you expect me to do about it.

  Jaye : Talk to him. Or smack him around for real. Whatever.

• Eric Gotts : I was just coming to see you.

  Jaye : You were?

  Eric Gotts : Yeah. I brought you donuts.

  Jaye : [seeing Katya eating them]  Those donuts?

  Katya : [with her mouth full]  Mm-hmm.

  Eric Gotts : She was starving.

  Jaye : But you were bringing me... and then she's here... and now they're all... and she is?

  Eric Gotts : Her name's Katya. From Russia. I was passing by and a little voice told me I should probably stop and check on her.

  Jaye : Voice? There was a voice?

  Eric Gotts : [meaning one's conscience]  Yeah. You know, that little voice inside?

  Jaye : Oh, right. The little voice inside.

• Jaye : Stay the hell away from Katya! She didn't pack up her whole life and leave everything behind so she could be with an embryo. She wants a man, a real man.

  Peter Johnson : [a little aroused]  My God, you've got fire.

  Jaye : Yeah, and it's gonna burn you unless you stay away from her. Leave her alone. Forget about her.

  Peter Johnson : I've forgotten about her already.

  Jaye : Good. Each time you start to think of her, think of me instead; my burning fire! Got me?

  Peter Johnson : Uh-huh. Burning fire.

  Jaye : Who are you forgetting about?

  Peter Johnson : I don't remember.

  Jaye : Keep it that way.

• Jaye : I can't be in a relationship right now. I have... issues.

  Mahandra McGinty : Who doesn't?

  Jaye : I'm going through a "me" phase.

  Mahandra McGinty : "Going through"?

  Jaye : Leave me alone. Why can't I just be celibate?

  Mahandra McGinty : Um, because you like boys? And this boy is ready for your jelly.

  Jaye : Look at him. He's smitten. Smitten and eager are bad. Now, you know what you get with smitten and eager. Romance. Relentless, treacly, manufactured romance. That kind of romance never ends well.

• Eric Gotts : [installing a satellite dish for Jaye]  So, when do I get to come over and watch TV?

  Jaye : Oh. I don't know. I just have the one TV, and it's very small.

  Eric Gotts : Well, that's okay. We can sit close.

• Mahandra McGinty : [watching Eric install a satellite dish on Jaye's trailer]  How'd you get him to do that?

  Jaye : I asked.

  Mahandra McGinty : Very clever.

  Jaye : He was surprisingly eager.

  Mahandra McGinty : Eager's a good thing.

  Jaye : Uh-huh.

  Mahandra McGinty : You're staring.

  Jaye : Uh-huh. No, I'm not. I'm... supervising.

  Mahandra McGinty : [laughing]  I see what you're supervisin'.

  [checking out his butt] 

  Mahandra McGinty : It's like an apple. You bounce a quarter off that apple.

  Jaye : Apples are good for you.

  [in the heat, he takes his shirt off and uses it to wipe down sweat, then catches them staring] 

  Jaye , Mahandra McGinty : Hi.

  Eric Gotts : Sure is hot.

  Mahandra McGinty : [under her breath]  Sure is.

  Jaye : You want something to drink? I have bottled water.

  Eric Gotts : Bottled would be great.

  Mahandra McGinty : I'll get it. You stay and continue the mating ritual.

• Jaye : [Katya wails in despair after learning her groom-to-be is a 13-year-old]  Can't you get her to stop?

  Eric Gotts : She just found out the man she loves doesn't exist. Her heart's broken. This is what happens. People cry. I cried for three days.

  Jaye : Okay, you were right. I guess I've never been in love. Because the only time I made a noise like that, I'd had some bad fish.

  Eric Gotts : Well, love doesn't always sound like that. You have to be willing to risk the heartache if you want the good stuff. Right?

  Jaye : Uh, I'm pretty sure there's lots of good stuff you can get without all of that.

  Eric Gotts : Well, sure, but if you want to be close to somebody - really close - you have to open yourself up.

  Jaye : Like a wound?

  Eric Gotts : You have to drop the defenses.

  Jaye : I don't have defenses.

  Eric Gotts : No, you have offenses. Don't you ever wish you had someone you could just be yourself with?

  Jaye : I'm not sure who that is yet.

  Eric Gotts : Well, wouldn't it be interesting to find out?

• Eric Gotts : [after receiving a black eye while talking to Peter's dad]  I probably shouldn't have said that thing about his wife.

  Jaye : Well, whatever you said didn't give him any right to hit you.

  Eric Gotts : I kind of implied that Peter was taking his cue from the way his father treats his mother.

  Jaye : That doesn't sound so bad.

  Eric Gotts : Apparently, she's dead. She died a year ago.

  Jaye : Oh.

  Eric Gotts : And he didn't actually hit me, but it was his fault that I walked into the forklift.

• Jaye : Hi. We're looking for Peter Johnson.

  Peter Johnson : I'm Peter Johnson.

  Jaye : The other Peter Johnson.

  Peter Johnson : There isn't one. I'm Peter. And you must be Katya, my darling.

  Katya : Oh, no. I need bigger Peter.

• Mahandra McGinty : [eavesdropping and Jaye and Eric and "making" the Muse's avatars talk]  "We could sit close. So close. So close."

  [kissing noises] 

  Mahandra McGinty : "Your man sweat is like honey-mustard glaze on my tongue."

  [more kissing noises] 

  Muse : [through the brass monkey belonging to Jaye's therapist]  Inappropriate touching.

  Muse : [through the smoosh-faced wax lion]  This isn't fun for anybody.

  Jaye : Stop it!

  Mahandra McGinty : You stop it.

  Jaye : I haven't started anything.

  Mahandra McGinty : That's what I'm talking about. You should stop with the not-starting and start something already.

  Jaye : He's married.

  Mahandra McGinty : To a philandering strumpet. Those sorts of marriages get annulled.

• Jaye : She slept at the fountain?

  Katya : Fountain of love. I meet my Peter. I marry. But he no come.

  Jaye : Peter got a phone number?

  Katya : No. No phone. But he make me letter.

  Eric Gotts : [taking them]  These are all e-mail printouts. No last name. No physical address.

  Jaye : You think she's one of those Russian mail-order brides? You know, sex slave?

  Katya : No sex slave! I coming for love... and some sex. But no slave.

• Peter Johnson : My darling Katya, I would never have missed our nuptials, except I got grounded.

  Jaye : What are you, like, five?

  Peter Johnson : 16.

  [Jaye glares suspiciously] 

  Peter Johnson : 15.

  [another glare] 

  Peter Johnson : 14... on my next birthday.

  Katya : He tiny boy.

  Peter Johnson : I'm so sorry, my darling. If I had just cashed in a bond and not used my dad's credit card, I'd be married now instead of grounded.

  Katya : But in JPEG you send, you man, not unripe dumpling.

  Peter Johnson : I used photo-imaging software to age myself. It's how I will look... in 12 to 15 years. But you... you look even better than your JPEG.

  Katya : I send you most intimate photographs.

  Peter Johnson : I know. I made them into my desktop wallpaper.