- [Will and Grace are in Val's apartment, looking for Grace's missing music box.]
- [Val enters.]
- Val Bassett: Hey?
- Will Truman, Grace Adler: Surprise!
- Val Bassett: What are you two doing here?
- Grace Adler: Um, uh - we thought you had a gas leak.
- Val Bassett: Then why did you yell, "Surprise"?
- Will Truman: Well ... we didn't say it was a nice surprise.
- Jack McFarland: Oh hey, lady la-la. What are you doing in here?
- Karen Walker: Oh, Stan's been socking down the herbal Viagra again, and this is the only room in the house he doesn't know about. Shh. Don't tell him.
- Jack McFarland: Karen, guess what. Tonight I met the One. The man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
- Karen Walker: Hey! There is only one man in your life. And her name is Rosario, and don't you forget that.
- Jack McFarland: His name is Bill. Look.
- [Takes out a piece of paper]
- Jack McFarland: And he gave me a picture of himself.
- [Gives Karen the flyer]
- Jack McFarland: Isn't that a great idea? I'm gonna start passing out pictures of myself to people I meet at clubs.
- Karen Walker: Did you even read this?
- Jack McFarland: Well, I read the picture. And it said, "Mommy, mommy, give me some of Jack." Ah!
- Karen Walker: He is the head of some group called "Welcome Back Home."
- Jack McFarland: Well, I'm sure it's a typo. He must mean, "Welcome back, Homo."
- Karen Walker: [reads from the flyer] "It's never too late to get back on the straight and narrow"? Honey, this is a cult! Yeah! Like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes. They're trying to make gay people straight! Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?
- Jack McFarland: "We noticed your homosexuality. Make the choice to be straight. Gay is not the way"? Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks!
- Karen Walker: Yes. And it looks like your new sweetie has turned his back on homosexuals. And not in the good way.
- [Turns to look up at the cross hanging above Rosario's bed]
- Karen Walker: No. Don't listen.
- Jack McFarland: Well, Bill is not straight. I mean, look at us, Kare. We're lovers.
- [Jack puts Bill's photo next to his face]
- Karen Walker: Lord. I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet.
- Jack McFarland: Wait! They're having a meeting tomorrow and we have to go. What this organization is advocating is morally wrong, and it is my responsibility to shine the mirror of truth upon them.
- Karen Walker: Honey...
- Jack McFarland: Okay, I just wanna make out with Bill.
- Karen Walker: Okay.
- Jack McFarland: He's so cute, isn't he?
- Karen Walker: I know, I know, honey, but it's a waste of time, all right? It's like exercise or reading to your kids. The man thinks he's straight.
- Jack McFarland: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.
- Karen Walker: Yeah, well you can count me out. If you think I'm gonna spend my Sunday morning with a bunch of self-loathing closet cases...
- Jack McFarland: You'll get to be a lesbian.
- Karen Walker: Wake me by 11:00.
- Bill: Man, that was a great game.
- [turns off the television]
- Jack McFarland: Yeah. So, wanna hit the showers?
- Bill: What?
- Jack McFarland: You know, like they're doing.
- [Gestures toward the television]
- Bill: Jack, I don't think that's appropriate.
- Jack McFarland: Whaddya talk? It's just a couple of naked straight guys soaping each other down.
- Bill: Okay, I... I have to say something here. The back-slapping and the head-rubbing was one thing, but the ear-blowing and the butterfly kisses are not standard NBA practice. And now this shower thing.
- Jack McFarland: What are you implying?
- Bill: You're coming on to me.
- Jack McFarland: What? I am shocked and appalled. But are you interested?
- Bill: You think that you can just come in here and use this group, this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness, as some kind of dating service?
- Jack McFarland: I just need a yes or a no.
- Bill: No! And I want to make something crystal clear to you and to everyone else in this room.
- [to the group members]
- Bill: Excuse me. We are here to lead normal, heterosexual lives. Man and woman are meant to be together. So anyone here who has a misguided notion that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a - a gay pick-up joint, you can just leave right now.
- [everyone but Bill, Karen, and Jack leave]
- Karen Walker: Well, look at 'em go. I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona. Oh, my god, listen to me. I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen!
- [Karen leaves]
- Bill: [Bill looks at Jack] Well, as long as it's a heterosexual soap-down.
- Jack McFarland: Attagirl.
- [Bill and Jack start to leave together]