Michael Rapaport: Dave Gold

Quotes 

• Dave Gold : When it comes to raising kids, everyone has an opinion. Let 'em cry, don't let 'em cry. Let 'em watch TV, don't let 'em watch TV. Spank 'em, don't spank 'em. But the one thing that everyone agrees on is, sooner or later, you have to trust them and hope you raised them right. I'm totally screwed.

• Dave Gold : [to Vicky]  I went and had a little chat with Kyle's dad and it turns out that Hillary is definitely still a virgin.

  Vicky Gold : Oh, that's a relief. How do you know?

  Dave Gold : Ah, this kid Kyle's in some Silver Ring organization and he's taken a vow not to have sex.

  Vicky Gold : Huh, what do you know? He and I are in the same club.

• Dave Gold : I can just imagine the line of crap that Kyle kid is feeding her. "I love you so much, baby. Why should we wait if it's the right time, baby? Come on, baby. Let's do it right now, baby."

  Vicky Gold : Come on. She's not an idiot.

  Dave Gold : You fell for it!

• Vicky Gold : Dave, please, give it up.

  Dave Gold : Give it up. Hope that's not the advice you gave Hillary.

• Dave Gold : [to Vicky about the kids]  Excuse me? Since when do we tell them the truth? They lie to us, we lie to them. Come on, that's how that works around here.

• Dave Gold : [to Vicky]  Come on, tell me!

  Vicky Gold : Okay, but you have to promise me you won't freak out, and you have to promise me you will not repeat what I'm going to tell you.

  Dave Gold : Give me a break, Vicky. Half the time, I don't even remember what you tell me.

• Dave Gold : You know, when I was young, I would say anything to a girl to get her to... well, to get her to. I would tell fat girls they were hot. I would tell ugly girls they were pretty. I would tell stupid girls they were... Well, I really didn't have to tell them much. They were pretty much good to go.

• Vicky Gold : Hillary came to me and wanted to know how you know when the time is right.

  Dave Gold : Please tell me she's still confused about daylight savings.

• [Hillary announces she's getting a wax, and Dave assumes she means 'down there'] 

  Dave Gold : No, you don't prune the hedges if you're not expecting company in the front yard.

• [Kenny joins Dave watching TV] 

  Kenny : I love figure skating.

  Dave Gold : It's called hockey.

• Dave Gold : Where you been?

  Vicky Gold : Oh, I was just talking to Hillary.

  Dave Gold : All this time?

  Vicky Gold : Yeah.

  Dave Gold : How long does it take her to roll her eyes and tell you to get the hell out of her room?