- Dave Gold: It's true. Parents that use drugs have kids that use drugs. So there's an important lesson here: don't have kids.
- Dave Gold: Great news, sweetie. Hillary's still a virgin.
- Vicky Gold: Good to know. I'll add that to the holiday newsletter.
- Vicky Gold: This book sucks.
- Dave Gold: You know what I do with books that suck? I wait for them to come out as movies that suck.
- Dave Gold: When I was a kid growing up, my father's philosophy was "Do as I say, not as I do." Well, when I became a parent, I swore I would do better with my kids. So my philosophy is, "Do as I say, not as I hope you don't know I do."
- Vicky Gold: Oprah's full of crap!
- [slams the book she was reading shut]
- Vicky Gold: The only way she could have finished this book was if it was a piece of cheesecake.
- Larry: Have you ever heard of "Annie Get Your Gun"?... I'm trying out for the part of Buffalo Bill, and I'm gonna get it. When everyone sees me on that stage, dancing and singing, they're gonna know how cool I am.
- Kenny: I think that's awesome. But are you sure other people will? I mean, a lot of the guys in the Drama department are gay. Are you?
- Larry: No! And why are you always asking me that?
- Dave Gold: What happened to our stash?
- Vicky Gold: Our stash? Since when do we have a stash?
- Dave Gold: You know...
- Vicky Gold: No. I thought we decided to be more responsible, and you were gonna get rid of the pot.
- Dave Gold: I am getting rid of it. Little by little.