- Dave Gold: Political correctness. What retard... Excuse me. What mentally challenged moron thought up that idea? Everyone's so sensitive nowadays. My dad always says, "Dave, when I was your age, there was no such thing as African-Americans, Asian-Americans or "Native Americans. There was just "Americans." And the Blacks, Puerto Ricans, and the Italians."
- Dave Gold: Hey, Larry, here. Come on. Barbecue with me.
- Larry Gold: Why?
- Dave Gold: Because it's something we could do together.
- Larry Gold: Oh. Am I being punished?
- Vicky Gold: Isn't this nice? We should really appreciate these moments because before you know it, the kids'll be off to college.
- Omar: I'm kinda hoping Taye gets into Yale. That's where I went.
- Dave Gold: Yeah, well, at this point, we're just hoping Hillary graduates high school.
- Dave Gold: [to Omar] Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale. Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.
- Omar: What are you saying, I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantage for being black, not one.
- Dave Gold: No, I didn't say anything about affirmative action. Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.
- Omar: A what? You think I'm a token?
- Dave Gold: No, no, no, I said you weren't a token. Don't be so sensitive, Omar.
- Omar: Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token. Okay. You know what? I've had enough. I think we should go.
- Vicky Gold: No, no, it's okay.
- Dave Gold: No, no, no, Vicky. If he wants to go, let him go. He said he didn't even want to come here today. You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.
- Dave Gold: [about Hillary] Why is she still going out with Taye? Enough is enough already.
- Vicky Gold: Is this because he's black?
- Dave Gold: What? No. What are you talking about? I... I don't see black or white. I only see people, okay? People who want to have sex with my daughter, and people who don't. And this one does. I'm telling you, he's way too experienced for her.
- Vicky Gold: How do you know that?
- Dave Gold: Because she thinks he's a cool kid and cool kids have sex. I know this because I was a cool kid and I don't want Hillary to be cool. I want her to be... frigid.
- Dave Gold: [to Vicky about Omar] Why should I apologize to him?
- Vicky Gold: Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family. And after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.
- Dave Gold: Good! Good. Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.
- Vicky Gold: Okay, fine. You know what? Do it. Don't do it. It's your decision.
- Dave Gold: Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withhold sex from me?
- Vicky Gold: No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.
- Dave Gold: You know, sex with no talking, that's, uh, not exactly a threat, Vicky.
- [Dave's advice for Mike on how to avoid self-irritation backfires]
- Mike Gold: [yells] My penis is on fire! That Hot and Slick stuff you bought me is burning me.
- [Omar has explained why he can't take Dave again to play golf]
- Dave Gold: I'm gonna miss that Jew-hating country club.