- Jennifer Marlowe: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
- Bailey Quarters: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
- Jennifer Marlowe: That's the way men do it.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Hi, Hy.
- Dr. Hy Monroe: Hi.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Hy...
- Dr. Hy Monroe: Hi.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Hy... maybe I should just call you Dr. Monroe.
- Andy Travis: Bailey!
- Bailey Quarters: Yes?
- Andy Travis: How about you. You got an idea?
- Bailey Quarters: [standing up and clearing her throat] Yes, Andy, I do. My idea is to do a fifteen-minute talk show once a week called Cincinnati Beat.
- Herb Tarlek: [sarcastically in a sing-song tone] Boring!
- Bailey Quarters: [sincerely] What would make this show fresh and different is that we would talk to the average citizen who might not otherwise have a voice to the public.
- Les Nessman: [to Andy] It's been done!
- Bailey Quarters: It would also be an unusual show because... Johnny would be doing the interviews.
- Herb Tarlek: [emphatically] That's nuts!
- Bailey Quarters: And... and I would produce it.
- Andy Travis: I beg your pardon?
- Bailey Quarters: I... I would produce it.
- Andy Travis: A little louder, Bailey!
- Bailey Quarters: [with all her might] I said I would produce it!
- Herb Tarlek: But you're just a rookie, Bailey.
- Les Nessman: Andy, this isn't the Ohio State Journalism School. *This* is the big time.
- Andy Travis: Bailey!
- Bailey Quarters: [timidly] Yes?
- Andy Travis: I like it. Go talk to Johnny, all right?
- Bailey Quarters: Okay.
- Andy Travis: Okay.
- Venus Flytrap: I think I'll split.
- Bailey Quarters: Okay.
- Mrs. Woodruff: You see, my Hatchback Supreme broke down on a deserted stretch of highway. Now that's when I saw the incredibly bright light in a field and felt myself compelled to walk toward it.
- Venus Flytrap: [smiling] I think I'll stay.
- Mrs. Woodruff: Before I knew it, I was surrounded by a group of strange people in gold lamé suits.
- Venus Flytrap: That would either be The Temptations or The Four Tops.
- Mrs. Woodruff: Well, anyhow, to make a long *internationally copyrighted* story short, I was beamed aboard their spaceship, what they call a "get-gone", and transported to Ha-cha-cha Number Three. That's what you people call Mars.
- Venus Flytrap: Did this place have heavy metal screens on the windows?
- Mrs. Woodruff: Yes!
- Venus Flytrap: Lucky guess.
- Mrs. Woodruff: Well, anyhow, I was held on Number Three for, ooh, about two or three weeks, before I gained the confidence of Ernst, the divisional commander. I guess it was just a matter of knowing the right people, because Ernst got me transferred to the Caves of Grin. Which was minimum security. Still is, I guess.
- Bailey Quarters: That was lucky.
- Mrs. Woodruff: Oh, yes! Mm-hmm. Anyhow, one day I'm just sitting around, minding my own business, when a Drell comes up, who's obviously had one too many wowies. Well, I got his joy-stopper away from him, and shot him twice, right through the gnorl. Then I made my way back to Cincinnati.
- Bailey Quarters: But you're okay now.
- Mrs. Woodruff: Oh, yes. Except they're still after me. Uh, Ernst wants our son back. I can't really blame him.