The Venture Bros. (TV Series)

The Trial of the Monarch (2004)

Christopher McCulloch: Hank Venture, The Monarch, Tiny Attorney, MOnarch Henchman 2, Security Guards 1 & 2, Watch, Bailiff

Quotes 

• [referring to her old, skimpy costume] 

  Dr. Girlfriend : I can't believe you saved it. What are these hard chunks?

  Phantom Limb : My... tears.

  [Present day] 

  The Monarch : *Tears*? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob... you know he was pounding his invisible meat all over that skimpy...

  Dr. Venture : That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk.

  Judge : Sustained. I want that last part stricken from the record. And my mind.

• Judge : Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury, and it's up to your peers to decide this.

  The Monarch : Peers? PEERS? How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh, and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.

• The Monarch : [drunk, to a cop]  Look, Officer Poncherello... the second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home? This is none of your beeswax!

• Tiny Attorney : Could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?

  Dr. Byron Orpheus : Well, if you must call me that, yes. But, if you are after mere parlor tricks, you will be sorely disappointed. For if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, but your very soul!

• Brock Samson : Something big is going down, this place is crawling with Strangers.

  Hank Venture : Well, you can't expect to know everybody!

  Brock Samson : No, Hank... Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

  Dean Venture : We gotta warn Pop!

  Brock Samson : No, Dean. This is guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild works clean, professional, and surgical. In a way, they're the only organization I still respect.

  Hank Venture : [dramatically]  And they kill clean! Don't let dames get in the way!

  Brock Samson : [turning to Hank]  Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read!

  Dean Venture : It's weird, right?

  Brock Samson : It's like he channels dead crazy people!

  Hank Venture : [worried]  Do you think it's a cry for help?

• The Monarch : While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique, I was systematically feeding babies to hungry mutated puppies!

• The Monarch : They're total liars! I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like "Fine, whatever." But Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

• Dr. Byron Orpheus : Hug me!

  The Monarch : Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.