- O.S.I. Instructor: Well, let's see here, Mr. Samson. On the driving portion, you totalled every car but the one you were driving; on the pistol range, you refused to use a gun. And, uh, oh. Hah! Yeah, here's my favorite: on the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.
- Brock Samson: Icarus. So uh... what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zep?
- [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]
- O.S.I. Instructor: My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. And you did not disappoint.
- Brock Samson: Oh yeah, I used to babysit you.
- O.S.I. Instructor: This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min...
- Brock Samson: Uh-uh. No guns. I don't use guns.
- O.S.I. Instructor: The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required...
- Brock Samson: Guns are for sissies.
- Dr. Venture: [spent a night with strippers] You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.
- Dr. Venture: Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.
- Dr. Venture: I have something to show you all! Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now! What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!
- [reveals he has transformed into a large caterpillar]
- Hank Venture: Holy crap! What happened?
- Dr. Venture: Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye - and He blinked.
- Hank Venture: [pokes Dr. Venture] Golly, does it hurt?
- Dr. Venture: No. But the poking does, let's stop that now.
- Hank Venture: Sorry. Hey, what's H.E.L.P.eR. gotten into?
- [H.E.L.P.eR. is holding Dr. Venture's shed skin]
- Dr. Venture: That appears to be my dermis.
- Hank Venture: Wow! Bet if you put that under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy'll give you, like, a grand!
- Dr. Venture: Okay, Hank? You are taking this way too well.
- Hank Venture: Well, gee Dad, we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years. Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur!
- Dr. Venture: Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur! Can't you see where this is maybe different?
- Hank Venture: [hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way *I* like.
- Dean Venture: And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.
- Dean Venture: No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you...
- Brock Samson: Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper, when he falls out the window the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.
- Dean Venture: Uh... the answer's C.
- [Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]
- Hank Venture: You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?
- Brock Samson: Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.
- Hank Venture: Sorry, Brock.
- [quickly removes his foot]
- Brock Samson: Little worried about that hickey, Doc.
- [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]
- Dr. Venture: Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!... And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.
- Hank Venture: We don't even know who our old mommy was.