Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (2005)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie : Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

  Alan : Excuse me?

  Charlie : You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

• Charlie : [to Alan]  *Don't* talk about my penis! You have *not* earned the right!

• Charlie : You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet head!

  Alan : You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving a world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!

• Alan : Would you mind toasting my buns, please?

  Charlie : [tips his beer bottle]  To your buns!

• Charlie : You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

  Alan : You don't know that.

• Charlie : Hey, if I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.

  Alan : Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want *your* opinion, I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless, casual sex with.