- Berta: Well, gadzooks! Zippy's getting his freak on!
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
- Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
- Charlie Harper: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
- Berta: Corn ?
- [Charlie shrugs]
- Berta: Huh. Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.
- Alan: [giddy with excitement] Charlie, I have never had sex like this before in my *life*! In fact, I-I-I don't think anything I had prior to this can even be called "sex"! Because if we call that "sex", we need a new name for this. My suggestion would be, "Hootenanny Yum-Yum".
- Charlie Harper: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
- Evelyn Harper: [Alan puts his hand up to protect himself from another slap on the head] I'm not going to hit you, darling.
- Evelyn Harper: [Alan lowers his hand] Charlie?
- [Charlie hits Alan]
- Evelyn Harper: [to Alan] Ohhh, my randy little nincompoop. Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have... Well, many more stepfathers than you already have.