- [first lines]
- Alan Harper: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You, you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart and suck it dry?"
- Charlie Harper: Mom, or ex-wife?
- Alan Harper: [hand over phone] Ex-wife.
- Charlie Harper: Hi, Judith!
- Alan Harper: Charlie says, "Hello".
- Alan Harper: She says, "Hi".
- [shouting again]
- Alan Harper: You're evil and selfish, you know that? No! No! No, I, I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony and child support so that you can have a nice house, a nice car and every weekend free because I've got Jake! And yet, you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*! Oh, really? Oh, really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?
- Charlie Harper: The boob lift.
- Alan Harper: [phone] The boob lift?
- Charlie Harper: That you paid for.
- Alan Harper: [phone] That I paid for!
- Charlie Harper: And never got to see.
- Alan Harper: [phone] And never got to see! No! No! No, you listen to me! I think you lead a damn fine lifestyle that I work sixty hours a week to support! So, if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me! Alright then! Good-bye.
- Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Um, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week, so Jake's staying here.
- Charlie Harper: [sarcastically] I'm shocked.
- Jake Harper: [left standing in the rain after soccer practice] I can't believe you forgot me!
- Alan Harper: I said I'm sorry.
- Jake Harper: You forgot me!
- Alan Harper: I know. I feel terrible.
- Jake Harper: How many kids you got?
- Alan Harper: [after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner] How 'bout a movie?
- Jake Harper: Why? You gonna leave me there, too?
- Charlie Harper: [to Jake, after smoothing his hair down with spit] One man's saliva is another man's mousse, so shut up!
- Alan Harper: You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no one* at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck.
- Berta: I'm going home.
- Charlie Harper: I suppose you want me to pay you.
- Berta: Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.
- Charlie Harper: Fine.
- Berta: Guess what? I got a raise.
- Charlie Harper: Congratulations.
- Berta: You want to know why I got a raise?
- Charlie Harper: No. I'm sure I had my reasons.
- Berta: Because when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after *you*. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.
- Charlie Harper: This is about the kid, right?
- Berta: Good for you! That's why you're the boss.
- Charlie Harper: He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.
- Berta: And yet, my raise is permanent.
- Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Show of hands. Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car?
- Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch.
- Charlie Harper: [as soon as Berta leaves] I'll bet she catches 'em by hand.