Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (2005)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Alan Harper : [shouting on the phone]  Do you just get up in the morning and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You, you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart and suck it dry?"

  Charlie Harper : Mom, or ex-wife?

  Alan Harper : [hand over phone]  Ex-wife.

  Charlie Harper : Hi, Judith!

  Alan Harper : Charlie says, "Hello".

  Alan Harper : She says, "Hi".

  [shouting again] 

  Alan Harper : You're evil and selfish, you know that? No! No! No, I, I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony and child support so that you can have a nice house, a nice car and every weekend free because I've got Jake! And yet, you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*! Oh, really? Oh, really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?

  Charlie Harper : The boob lift.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  The boob lift?

  Charlie Harper : That you paid for.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  That I paid for!

  Charlie Harper : And never got to see.

  Alan Harper : [phone]  And never got to see! No! No! No, you listen to me! I think you lead a damn fine lifestyle that I work sixty hours a week to support! So, if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me! Alright then! Good-bye.

  Alan Harper : [to Charlie]  Um, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week, so Jake's staying here.

  Charlie Harper : [sarcastically]  I'm shocked.

• Jake Harper : [left standing in the rain after soccer practice]  I can't believe you forgot me!

  Alan Harper : I said I'm sorry.

  Jake Harper : You forgot me!

  Alan Harper : I know. I feel terrible.

  Jake Harper : How many kids you got?

  Alan Harper : [after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner]  How 'bout a movie?

  Jake Harper : Why? You gonna leave me there, too?

• Alan Harper : Please, I really need your help.

  Charlie Harper : Then you're headed for disappointment.

• Alan Harper : You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no one* at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck.