The Twilight Zone (TV Series)

Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? (1961)

Barney Phillips: Haley the Bartender

Photos 

Quotes 

• Haley the Bartender : [Ross has emerged from the bus after the bridge collapsed: last lines]  You're not even wet.

  Ross : [confused]  Wet. What's wet?

  Haley the Bartender : What do you mean 'What's wet?' You landed in the river, but your clothes are all dry.

  Ross : An illusion, that's all. Just an illusion. Like that jukebox playing in the corner. That's an illusion, too.

  [the jukebox slows down and stops playing] 

  Ross : Or that telephone ringing.

  [the phone rings] 

  Ross : That's an illusion, just a parlor trick.

  Haley the Bartender : What are you, some kind of magician?

  Ross : [produces a third arm from his right side]  Who? Me? Oh, hardly.

  [lighting a cigarette] 

  Ross : Now, uh, before you faint dead away, I ought to explain that the name isn't really Ross and I wasn't really going to Boston. No, I was sent as a kind of advance scout. You know these, uh, cigarettes, do you call them? They taste wonderful. We haven't got a thing like this on Mars. That's incidentally where I come from. We're beginning to colonize. My friends will be arriving very shortly. I think they're going to like it here. It's a lovely area, so... so remote, so pleasant so off the beaten track. Just the perfect spot for a colony, don't you think, Mr. Haley? While we're waiting, how about a little of what you call music?

  Haley the Bartender : I don't mind. I happen to do a little waiting myself. You see, Mr. Ross, my name isn't Haley. And I do agree with you, this is an extraordinary place to colonize. We folks on Venus had the same idea. We got it several years ago. And I think I ought to tell you now that your friends are not coming.

  [Ross looks shocked] 

  Haley the Bartender : They've been intercepted. Oh, a colony is coming. But it's from Venus. And if you're still alive, I think you'll see how we differ.

  [takes off his cap to reveal a third eye on his forehead] 

  Haley the Bartender : And I agree with you about what they call music. Why don't you play some?

  [laughs contemptuously and evilly]