- Johnny Carson: [on Hodding Carter] He left the Carter administration, and signed with NBC. That's like swimming from the Titanic to the Andrea Doria.
- Johnny Carson: [reading a boy's letter to Santa] "Dear Santa: I would like army shirt, pants, canteen, helmet, pistol holster, and a .44 Luger, like the... like the one on TV - Brian". I think I would answer this kid.
- Johnny Carson: [reading a girl's letter to Santa] "I've been a good girl. Please bring me some sexy panties and a slip."... Obviously the good girl stuff is over.
- Johnny Carson: [reading a child's letter to Santa] "This year, I am refusing to sit on the fake Santa's lap."
- Johnny Carson: [reading a child's letter to Santa] "By the way, last... last year, my dad had beer in the freezer. Did you drink it?... Well, I know you won't this year, 'cause I'm making cookies and chocolate, and strawberry milk."... Poor Dad. Gotta drink a lot of strawberry milk to get a buzz on.