- Christopher Titus (age 5): Who the Hell is Bill?
- Christopher Titus: Watch your mouth!
- [pauses]
- Christopher Titus: Who the
- [obsenity censored]
- Christopher Titus: is Bill?
- 10 Yr Old Titus: Hey, you watch your mouth!
- Christopher Titus: Sorry.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced 'cause that's the way it's supposed to be and they're never going to get back together, again.
- 5-Year Old Titus: Let's get rid of Bill.
- Christopher Titus: Oh, man, you are so smart. Come here.
- [lifts himself up to the light switch but pulls him away]
- 5-Year Old Titus: Come on, Titus!
- Christopher Titus: Oh. All right, Titus.
- [Juanita has revealed that Bill is also her therapist]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: What kind of therapist sleeps with his patient?
- Dave Scouvel: Actually, it's quite common in erotic cinema.
- Christopher Titus: Thanks for coming, Bill, and punching my dad. I mean, I'd ask you to stay for dessert, but I know my dad, and he's going to make you punch him again.
- Tommy Shafter: You better keep her satisfied in the bedroom! Cause she is a Nympho! No I mean Mr. Titus used to tell me all those stories about her. No you know how I used to think about her. I mean I used to take forty minute showers. Battleship! We should play Battleship! I'll go get mine at home.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father / son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
- [Christopher has invited Juanita to dinner, and is trying to usher Ken out of the house]
- Ken Titus: Hey, hey! It'll take the hounds of hell to get me to leave this house!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [to Christopher] Can I see you in the kitchen?
- Christopher Titus: After I get the hounds of hell.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [pulling Christopher away from Ken] They're in the kitchen.
- [Ken refuses to leave Titus' house unless Juanita does]
- Christopher Titus: Dad, stay go, whatever. Mom, go eat. Dave, stop eating. Erin... keep looking good.
- [Ken has suggested Christopher choose which parent he wants in his life]
- Christopher Titus: Why would I choose either of you? Dad, growing up with you was hell.
- Ken Titus: Since when?
- Christopher Titus: Ages two through now! I mean, high school was just wrapping up, I was getting my life together, and you made me quit the football team.
- Ken Titus: Hey, I didn't want you to be one of those guys who fifteen years after high school was still telling stories about his life.
- [cut to neutral space]
- Christopher Titus: [indicating the room] He doesn't know about this.
- [in the neutral space]
- 5-Year Old Titus: Who the hell is Bill ?
- Christopher Titus: Hey, watch your mouth. But who the
- [beep]
- Christopher Titus: is Bill ?
- 10-Year Old Titus: Hey, you watch *your* mouth.
- 5-Year Old Titus: Yeah.
- Christopher Titus: Sorry.