- [after Titus tries to get Tommy to discover Ken's "dead" body]
- Tommy Shafter: I don't want to see Mr. Titus like that. He was like a father to me.
- Christopher Titus: Yeah, he was "like" a father to all of us.
- Dave Scouvel: Titus stole a federal mailbox.
- Christopher Titus: I was drunk... and it was giving me attitude.
- Christopher Titus: [about his psychotic ex-girlfriend] She was a five-foot, one hundred pound Jewish girl. And I still haven't forgiven the Jewish people.
- Christopher Titus: What do you mean "dad is dead"?
- Dave Scouvel: [stammering] I... think... dad is dead!
- Christopher Titus: Not a lot of grey area here, Dave. Dead, not dead. Is there a pulse?
- Dave Scouvel: I don't know.
- Christopher Titus: I have taken half a day off work! There better be a corpse! I mean... what makes you think he's dead?
- Dave Scouvel: He's been in his room for four days now.
- Christopher Titus: Right, and?
- Dave Scouvel: Without getting a beer.
- Christopher Titus: Oh my God.
- [Dave is reluctant to see if Ken is dead]
- Dave Scouvel: I'm not going in there. I'll be scarred for life.
- Christopher Titus: Dave, you've been living with the man since you were eight. You ARE scarred for life!
- Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean "My mom is craaazy!" I mean "We the jury find the defendant..." She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it...
- Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. Cookie?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: So what makes you think he's dead?
- Dave Scouvel: Well, he's been in his room for four days now.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Right, and?
- Christopher Titus: Without getting a beer.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [shocked] Oh my God!
- Christopher Titus, Dave Scouvel: Yeah.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "MY DAD'S DEAD"!
- Christopher Titus: Honey, your dad is *not* dead.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now.
- [back to normal]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... *sick*.